i would buy myself a grey quitar and play

I am listening to Counting Crows right now.
I will alwayssss love them!
I never really have an urge to listen to them all the time, and can go months without listening to them.
But it always seems that they re-enter my life exactly when I need them most.
I will never forget the first time I really heard them.
In acting class, when my first HUGE crush lip synced "Mr. Jones" for music day.
Ah.
And that was what, 7 years ago?
Wheeeeeew. Craziness.
It's really, really odd to think about how far I have come in life. The insane ups and downs that only I know of, the drama with friends, the ones that left and the amazing ones that had hearts big enough to love me no matter what, the hearts I've broken, the heartbreak I've been through, the self-searching, my reliance on others, my years of feeling lost, numb, extremely confused. I hate how complex I am, how I never seem to know what I want, that I don't get things right away, that I don't have things all figured out...actually no. Scratch that.
I really, really love who I am. I am very confused and have exceptionally little figured out, but I am very happy. Probably more happy than a lot of people that have so much figured out. Not all who wander are lost. I definitely don't feel lost anymore. I don't feel like I am living in the shadow of others, I feel like a real and actual person. And maybe not one other soul around me will notice me, or my worth, but for some reason, I know it doesn't matter. I just know that I feel such passion for life, for existing, for love, that nothing and no one can damper it. And everyday, I struggle to see the light and not feel numb, everyday it's a battle. And it's not always easy. But at least I have the ability to fight. And that in itself is a beautiful thing.
Anyways, not a whole lot is going on with me lately, working and hanging out with friends, nothing too out of the ordinary. I am pretty content with being pretty boring, actually. I am preferring the quiet in life right now.
I usually include pictures but I am feeling kinda lazy tonight. Soooo sorry, maybe in the next post.....two months from now? Haha!

costume rant

So, my brother and I went to the Halloween store in the mall to look at costumes. about 80% of all the costumes were women costumes. And 95% of those were extremely revealing .The ones that were not, were plus size or creepy old lady ghost mummies.
I was vastly disappointed in the selection. Then we went to Wal-Mart, where I saw a Princess Peach costume in the girl's section. I then saw a Mario costume in the men's section and thought "Then SURELY they have a Peach costume in the women's section!" But alas, they did not.
I can not be Princess Peach or a modest forest fairy or even a modest NUN!
But as a woman, I do have the plentiful options of being: a revealing cheerleader, a revealing nun, a revealing fairy, a revealing pirate, a revealing nurse, a revealing  clown, a revealing native american, a revealing witch, and a revealing Hogwarts student. 
For crying out loud! I am a 22 year old with a normal [non-porn star] body that wants to go to Halloween parties [not strip clubs] and hang out with my friends [not film pornos in the back of vans!]
I would still like to be able to buy a fun costume and not wear a trash bag and sweatpants and go as a hobo.
Guys get awesome costumes! Darth Vader, Indiana Jones, Ninja!
But someone, somewhere thought "Let's only make revealing women's costumes! Because what woman doesn't want to be freezing on Halloween night!"
ME!
It's just extremely frustrating.
These two sites had some scary stuff to share about the sexism of Halloween costumes.
http://stilettorevolt.com/2009/10/go-sexy-go-home/
and
http://appetiteforequalrights.blogspot.com/2008/08/sexism-of-halloween-costumes.html

Here are some pictures from one site, comparing men costumes to women costumes:



It's absolute insanity! And pretty sickening!
I'm just a regular girl who wants the option of buying a non-revealing costume.
And I think it is beyond ridiculous that such an option doesn't really exist.
Infuriating, actually.

when i die

With my grandpa dying and everyone wanting to do things their way, I decided I would say a few things I definitely want and hope my loved ones will respect when I die. I don't plan on dying until I am at least 98, so these won't be necessary for a looong time. But I can't help but think about them.
I think it would neat to have a slide show or something with "Into the West" by Annie Lennox playing. Sounds a little weird, right? Here are the lyrics:

"Lay down, your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling.
You have come to journey’s end.
Sleep now, and dream
of the ones who came before.
They are calling,
from across a distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see.
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms, you’re only sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
All souls pass.

Hope fades,
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don’t say,
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling.
You and I will meet again.
And you’ll be here in my arms,
Just sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.
And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
Grey ships pass
Into the West."

I feel like everything I would want to say to my loved ones after I die is in this song; that I am being carried home, that they should not weep, that one day we will meet again. And it is just this beautiful, haunting song.
And then I would want Jill to say some things about me.
And I want everyone to be given wands. And after the speech, I want everyone to lift them up in the air, like they did for Dumbledore.
Then I want glow sticks thrown about and a dance party to ensue because I am in HEAVEN!
I am not joking. This is for real.
And I want to be cremated and my ashes to be buried/thrown somewhere I love, my favorite place, which I don't think I know what that is yet. So let's just say the ocean for now.
But I still want a tombstone, in Norman. That says something really neat, like "now i settle in to watch the universe flow by." or maybe something a bit more off, a Dumbledore quote, or maybe Lil Wayne. Who knows. Something kind of quirky, you know? Like "Robyn Lynn Mitchell: beloved daughter, friend, and cabbage." or something more profound like "Stand Unafraid". So, obviously, that part needs some finalizing.
Anyways, this may have been a downer. Hope not. Heaven awaits.

listening to emery on a sunday night

I am 22. I see life as a playground, an art piece, an incredible, miraculous chance to create beautiful things. I love red hair. I love swimming. The ocean calls my spirit. It might be my spirit. I think God reaches me through the clouds. He shows himself so clearly in them. I love thunderstorms. I love lightening. I love good music and singing at the top of my lungs. I like the ukulele. I like turtle, foxes, wolves, and owls. I have dreams about alternate realities and future Utopian societies. I get bored with my hair about every month and change it often. Material wise, I think less is best. But I still buy so much jewelry. Apple's hold over America's hearts and souls really annoys me. I love writing poems. I feel like it is more like the universe saying something through me and less like me saying something to the universe. I like Zen. It helps connect to creation, the universe, the Creator, and all existence. I'm still looking for my place in the world. I don't mind the journey. I like massage therapy. I like smelling like sunflower oil all the time. I like going to shows. I feel at peace at shows, it's a place my spirit feels at home. I love being nerdy. I love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, anime, ect. I love Asian culture, especially Japanese. I love dreads and tattoos. I love watercolors. I love my friends, my true friends, that are more a part of my spirit than anything else. I love people that inspire me. I like the 30s, hippies, steampunk, mythical beings and faeries. I like musicals. I like contradictions. I like chaos. I like feeling infinitely small in the universe, yet a part of the universe, which is infinitely everything. I am an ever changing current, flowing through existence. And I love being.

random thoughts

I just felt like writing a blog.
I don't have anything of importance to say.
But I am at work and extremely bored and someday I can look back and know what I was thinking at this exact moment in my life, no matter how mundane.
So that is neat.
I think I am moving into a tent this Tuesday-ish. In Elvis's backyard. I don't really feel excited, I am worried about rides to work. It is mostly for saving money and doesn't really feel like an adventure but maybe it will be!
I am ready for some spiritual growth, I just need to allow myself to let it happen.
I am always closing myself off to it, I don't know why. And I don't feel like thinking that much to dig deep and find the reason why.
Less thinking and more doing, if I know what I need to do to make existence make sense.
And my existencing is fighting against it, and I guess that is life. And it's all alright.
I like condradictions.
I pretty much have a general plan.
It goes something like this: live in a tent, work at Courtyard, save monies, visit Jill in Korea, stop living in a tent because it will probably be too cold, attempt to save money whilst living at home [we will see], get license/a car, save up more money, move to Boulder, possible work for a Marriot there, find a cheap place to live, go to school for massage therapy, take national exam, figure out where I want to go from there.
But I'm not holding tight to anything, life is ever changing. Who knows when I might have some exceptional experience that makes me want to go down an entirely different path.
Speaking of exceptional experiences, I am really jazzed to see 30 Seconds To Mars.
I have always kind of listened to them, but it is only in the last month that their music has become part of my life.
I have a feeling it is going to be a really incredible, intense experience.
I still don't know if I believe in romantic love or if I, personally, hold the ability to make it exist.
If I didn't, I wouldn't be sad, I just don't know if I do, so it makes things difficult.
But I did a lot of thinking the other day, about past relationships and many guys come and gone, the things I enjoyed, the things that destroyed me, bored me, and annoyed me. And mostly, I just want someone who inspires me. In every way. Someone who interests me and keeps me interested, keeps me excited about life and new experiences and learning, and inspires me to be the best kind of me I can be, not for their approval, but because they make it so enjoyable, having them there for the ride. And someone that finds me interesting, I think that is the hardest part. This is absolute babble.
Well, I know I haven't experienced anything like that yet. I know I mostly feel like I don't have much to offer, nothing exciting, nothing that different from anyone else in the world. And there are a lot of girls in the world.
I mostly feel like a duller shade of the exciting people that I know.
And it isn't a top priority. I just know that part is really important to me, the inspiring thing, if that romance thing ever presents itself. But I definitely agree with the love is friendship set on fire then. So I am definitely not stressed about it.
I am pretty content by myself and actually prefer right now.
I think that is another thing, I am selfish. I can not imagine having to give my life to another person, intertwining everything together, losing me. And having to care for another person, having to worry for another person, having to care about what another person is feeling, thinking, feels toward you, ugh. It's all so complicated. And it seems so tiresome. And all of that, for the rest of your life. But not just your life, your life TOGETHER. You don't have YOUR life anymore. AH! I don't know.
I don't know why I bother to think about it, it just stirs up a whirlwind of confusion in my mind and heart.
Anyways, I am going to stop this blog now. Sorry if you read this, it's all babbleness. And lots of it.
Wompwomp.

enough writing

haha. so much for that once a week blogging ideal, eh?
that was, for lack of a better phrase, and epic fail.
but that's quite okay. it's all okay.
because i am still me, in my reality, in the universe, with my Creator at my side.
and i am existing.and i still feel like a lot of times, i am wasting such existence.
i always write about these ideals, these plans. but mostly just fall in the cracks or my own chaos.
daily life is tiresome, i just need to find a joy in every moment, and i am trying.
and trying, the struggle, makes me feel very alive. and to feel like you are fighting for something, to feel alive, is such an awakening and satisfying feeling.
and to exist in all of this whilst be surrounded by the Creator's splendor, the same Creator that created you, you just feel connect and beautiful and like your existence, if even to yourself, is special. i don't really know what i am babbling about. my pores just pour out positivity and possibility.
in reflection of my last post, goals are good. but really, i am bad at them. or time limits, i think.
i just have this feeling of ease inside me, that everything i need to experience will happen, in it's own time.
but i am existing with the concieved notion that i will live a long life. and i pray that i do.
here i am, being attached to being human again, but really, i think on my life, and i see myself in older years, experiencing great things, living fully until 90 or so. i know it's wrong, but if it's cut short, i will feel my life as incomplete, even though i'm sure feelings of bitterness and discontent won't exist when i die.
so, i really should be doing things i enjoy as often as possible, and work towards living a life i desire now, since it may be over before i wish it to be. but at the same time, be at peace with the things that may not be experienced, and not stress over them, or feel loss, like a life less lived. and just live with ease, creating a life i enjoy, but at my own pace. i guess, i just don't want any moment to be some boring prologue to a "real" moment in my life, you know?
wow. i really am not certain that made any sense. i didn't mean to write all that, really. but i feel i needed to say it, i think. i definitely don't feel like deleting it. maybe it will make sense to me sometime in the future, and it means something know. mostly just my chaos reality written out.
i meant to just write a small thing about my life list. things i want to experience before i die.
here are a few:
see the aurora borealis
live on a boat
walk across the u.s.
visit japan, egypt, ireland, new zealand, many others
learn to surf and snowboard
start a tent village
write many books!
fly on a plane
take a train somewhere
bungee jump
live in a tree in the woods
make a documentary
make a movie in general/be in a movie
learn to play the melodica, the harmonica, guitar, and probably more weird, world instruments
play a show with or in a band
go skinny dipping
and more. much more. but there, that is some of them.
and i guess the point is, i keep viewing my life in the future. like "once i go to school and get a real job, THEN i can do this." or "once i've experience more or learned all about how to do this certain thing, THEN i'll do it."
and it's just a cage i build on my own existence. and certainly, i am comfortable in my own existence.
but i am wasting it. and it's wasting me. so let's pray, everyone pray, that i take each moment as a chance to enjoy existing and to stop wasting time and energy on comfort, when there is so much experience. and reletively so little time to experience it.

lights and stuff

I FRICKIN LOVE RECYCLED ART! It's all this stuff that I would have never even thought to reuse as art! My favorites are things that are turned into lights or chandeliers! I need to push myself to be this awesome!

This guys is really cool cause he uses trash to make this awesome shadows!

found art/random items made into lights!

^^^those are microphones!

See, I always throw my bad paint brushes away! I never thought to make something with them!

This is probably my favorite chandelier, it's all glasses!

This is really cool to me! I want these in my room, if I had an indoor tree...

That's it for now. Not much to say really. I am thinking of starting a natural remedies blog because it's an interest of mind. But not many people read this and I think even less would read that. But who knows, maybe just for something to do. I have also decided to go to school for massage therapy, I have researched it A LOT and definitely feel it's what I should do right now. I have realized a type of limit I set for myself. It seems that society kind of places this idea that you have to pick one thing you love most [or makes you the most money] and you have to learn that and nothing else and just do that forever. And I know, for a fact, that I just can not do that. I want to do so much, and if all goes well, I will have a long life to do everything I dream of. I want to be a massage therapist, travel, write, get published, start a venue or something, make art, etc. And I refuse to settle for one. Life is our play ground, we don't get to be here again, we don't get to be human again. We only get to experience this Earth and everything it has to offer once [as far as I know....]. And so we have to do everything we want and everything we love. I guess I had a lot to say after all. Love you guys!