Spring Time!

I have been regretfully without internet for some time. I am typing this in a bagel shop! I have recently had a shift in spiritual consciousness and am expanding on so many ideas and experiences. But this blog isn't about that. I may post a nice long elaborate blog about it all someday. But right now, it's just sprouting, not yet a fully bloomed flower. But I didn't want to leave you guys high and dry for too long, so here are some pictures of spring delightfulness!

 A pendant I made!

 Enjoying Sutton Park!

 The softest grass ever!

I hope you all are doing lovely and enjoying the beautiful spring weather!

The Human Experience

Something I wrote in my notebook. I think a lot about what I call "The Human Experience" and all it's wonders.

"All of these people look like they take their lives so seriously; their jobs, their relationships, their appearance, how they are perceived by others. I hope to never take myself so seriously. Actually, I make it a goal to not take my life so seriously. Why do we act like everything is peachy and sparkly? (Granted, at times, it certainly can be!) The human experience is dark and dirty, painful and yet unceasingly magical and brilliant. But the pain, the shadows, the sweat of the dark pits; that is part of the beauty, and it's worth acknowledging."

I don't want to take my relationships seriously. We are human, infinitely flawed. Why harbor deep anger when someone messes up? The anger hurts us more than it hurts them. Troubles are not the end of friendships, and laughter is always appropriate, even in the darkest of times. I don't want to take my appearance seriously. I am a mess eighty percent of the time. I am chubby (I like to call it soft, personally.), my teeth are not perfect, my skin is all kinds of weird; but why should I care?  I never want to take how people perceive me seriously. People could know me for 20 years and still only know the smallest part of me. Such an immense portion of human interaction is shallow, skin deep, the tip of the iceberg. Why should I care what others think of me when they don't even know me? I am weird, I screw up, I say the wrong things at the wrong time, I hurt people, I can be closed off, I am confusing, I am definitely confused. I feel dark and weird things, I am a mess, I am a wreck of passions, desires, love, hurt, pain, fears, magic, dreams, kindness, ignorance, intelligence, and so many feelings that I don't believe most of them have names.

And I don't take any of that too seriously. It's just me, my human experience. It ebbs and flows as I continue breathing. I don't hide it, I don't try to change it. I just be it, as freely as I can. I experience until I don't anymore. I think being serious and safe so we can reach death emotionally and mentally whole, in tact, never experiencing anything scary or damaging, is a great disservice to our human experience. I would much rather arrive at the end covered in mud, blood, and sweat, out of breath, emotionally torn to shreds, facing every imaginable fear face on, sword in hand. THAT is the human experience. It is real, raw, and terrifying. It's not houses, it's not stable income or stable emotions, it's not Hollywood, or Hollywood perfect romances. It's the fight, the grit, the dark, the abyss within us that we fear to enter because it houses the swirling chaos of human experience.

And it's beautiful, bright, and brilliant. And it's happening, right now. It's the swelling music, the caress of the wind, the salt of the sea, the howl of the wolf, the pang of lingering memories, the soaring feeling in a great kiss, the dark hours where our demons reside, the smile of our most beloved. We can hide from it, we can ignore it. But it is us and we are it. And that is worth acknowledging, accepting, appreciating, and admiring.

Welcome to the human experience. Are you afraid? You definitely should be. And then you should punch that fear in the face.

the haze that comes in waves

trampoline white,
as stark as a flower in the falling rain,
following the dusty storm,
lightness cloud and mist in the mirror,
skin meeting water, fullest of forgotten being,
no feeling of whereabouts within,
moments shuddering in waves of gone and not really there but looking around,
blinking, no sleeping, waking in the waves of sound,
lapping waves of music surrounds, pressing upon my being,
it's getting less, i've been duped,
surrounded by the smoke, lost within the lasers of lights,
pressed between the wall and your hips moving against mine,
never what i expected it to be,
losing myself in the hold your lips have on me,
sweet voice, sweet name, sweet returnings to reality,
new beginnings, lack of sleep to carry me onward,
for stepping on the glass,
why is writing more important than spelling when i know it's happening,
it feels less over time, over lapping words sprung from some spring
of my eye always hurting,
in the desert, please read my words,
in response, so it's not for naught,
to stand on the edge of the ledge and not feel fear anymore,
sailing over lungs in knots we tie together,
gypsy vapors, swim within me, my mind at ease, at her leisure,
in forgotten mason jars, thoughts in ebb and flow,
areas of stone beneath my feet against the wind,
at the window sits a crow beneath the scattering colors of the sky,
silence bears the grey morning,
the haze is fading, growing brighter in my mind to such disappointment,
waterfalls of twinkling sunshine stars,
ringing out bells of the death, wandering about town,
so as to say, not existing.
i hope i make it, i wonder how to act within myself,
to win the lady's heart,
the altogether soft under the boyish veil,
if she discovers with her limbs,
i could relax a thing or two,
the rising of tensions against the skin and radiating, warming,
escaping, little moans, what is heard besides your breath in the night,
little death,
bright and cold as the moon shining the way,
casting light out loud, things whispered, to be complete,
rising higher on some secret spectrum,
i can move more easily and think the clearest thoughts
before the haze carries me to settled sleep within myself.

"..for Quickbeam often laughed. He laughed if the sun came out from behind a cloud, he laughed if they came upon a stream or a spring: then he stooped and splashed his feet and head with water; he laughed sometimes at some sound or whisper in the trees."- "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" by J.R. Tolkien.

I read this and instantly jotted down the words so I could remember them! Quickbeam is an Ent, and for those that are not down with the LOTR universe, Ents are tree-like creatures that look after the trees! They are one of my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings; they are old, wise, they think a long time before acting or speaking, and they care deeply for the earth. And Quickbeam reminds me a lot of the person I try to be! I don't always make it, and a lot of times I just get caught up in my own troubles and worries that I don't take time to notice anything around me. But I do try to notice the little things and to appreciate them. I enjoy watching a dog play in the snow, or appreciating the form of a pretty rock, or looking up to see the stars instead of focusing on getting to where I am going. Because, really, it's the going that really matters, not the arrival. I think the world would be a much happier, brighter place if we could all appreciate the small things around us. If we could laugh at the sun warming our skin and the stream bubbling along merrily, or the sound of the wind, or the bark on the trees, or the falling of snow. Even for a few minutes, if we could step outside our troubles and worries about bills or work or chores or errands or the future or the past or our weight or our fears or our social anxiety or our relationship problems. If we could just let it go for a moment, and just get lost in a snowflake, or a bee collecting pollen, or the notes of a song, or the sound of pen against paper, or the strokes of colors in a painting; if we can get lost in the beauty of things, for just a moment, I think we could form the habit of always finding something to laugh about, to appreciate, even in the darkest of times. It's certainly worth a try! Even keeping a little notebook and pen and writing down all the things that you notice throughout the day that make your heart a little lighter. I think when we return to our worries and troubles, they will feel slightly lighter and seem a little smaller. I hope you all find bountiful things to laugh at and appreciate in the coming days! I hope we can laugh at the streams of goodness in our lives and splash around in them with reckless abandon and joy, without fear or judgement! These moments will strengthen us anew with hope, so that we can make the world around us even brighter! So, I guess to sum it all up, cherish these moments, let yourself experience true joy; because the world needs you at your most bright and brilliant! And you wouldn't want to let the WORLD down, would you? Hmmmmmm?!

Current Faves

I don't have the energy or thought to put into a super awesome inspirational blog right now.
I most sincerely apologize, you deserve better from me!
But I do feel like posting something, anything!
So here are favorite things right now!

Blog: http://castlesintheair.org/ (She is an amazing traveling minimalist that writes so passionately that you can't help but be inspired to greatness!)

Song: "Eli, the Barrow Boy" by The Decemberists (I've been playing it on the ukulele! :D)

Show: How I Met Your Mother (I am on season four! It is so hilarious, I burst out laughing quite often!)

Snack: Grilled applesauce sandwiches! (Seriously though. So tasty!)

Craft: Crocheting! (I am kind of getting better, but I mostly stick to things without shape, like scarves and headbands. But I am exploring different yarns and needles!)

Piece of clothing: My blue hooded jacket. (I wear it when I sleep, when I am awake, I wear it at work. It is getting nasty fast, but I love it so!)

Artist: Torn between http://thienbao.deviantart.com/ and http://liga-marta.deviantart.com/. (Both are so inspiring and magical!)

Thing about Boulder right now: The planetarium! (Laser light shows to so many great bands and for a cheap price! A great way to spend a Friday night!)

Book: Lord of the Rings (I am reading them for the first time and I get entranced within the world so easily! Just brilliant!)

Let's Talk Dirty

"Some of the happiest people in the world, go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day." -God (as played by Morgan Freeman), Bruce Almighty

I love this quote because it specifically reminds me of my dad. When I was a kid, my dad worked on a pig farm. And we would wait up for him to come home from work. And when he did, he smelled. Bad. Really bad. And he was dirty. But we were still excited to see him and he was excited to see us, and just as jolly as usual. If I ever smell that lingering pig farm smell again, I will instantly think of my childhood and my dad, being happy to get home to his kids, and smelling like pig crap.
Because happiness doesn't come from smelling good, or being clean. We associate success with clean cut business suits and shiny shoes and shiny cars and shiny houses and a shiny happy family, with shining smiles, straight out of Pleasantville.
But that's not real!
Office jobs, writing reports, fancy suits, expensive watches, perfect people with perfect lives, shiny cars, big houses with big t.v.s, shiny credit cards, those aren't real life.
Life is not a pristine experience, it is not soft, it is not shiny, it is not clean, it is not perfect, symmetrical, or fancy.
Real life is waking up to the human experience. It's dirty, and frantic, and confusing, it's an array of every emotion often felt at the wrong time. It's filled with imperfect people. It's filled with courage and hope, and shadows and pain, love and rage. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. But it's the most magical thing. It defies logic, it's beyond our comprehensions, it's filled to the brim with miracles and it's reaches from the pits of human weakness to the peak of human compassion. And we are everywhere in between, winding on this chaotic path with a frenzy we don't understand.
One time Loveknob and I were walking and he laughs as he points out that he walks around the mud, whereas I just stomp on through it. And I am like "Yeah! No mud is going to stop me from walking wherever I damn well please!" And it doesn't. When I look to paths I wish to take, the paths that really make my heart jump and my spirit ache for movement, they are not crystal clear. They are not void of mud or obstacles or jagged rocks or flesh eating turnips. They look scary, menacing, intimidating. But I will come out on the other end, triumphiant, my mind weary, my muscles aching, my eyes barely staying open, my feet barely taking the next step, with scratches on my skin and mud caked in my hair, and somehow, completely covered in pig crap. And I will be victorious. I will feel brighter, my smile will be stronger, my laughter uproarious, my tears will be of pure inexpressible joy. I will be the happiest me that has yet existed and I will smell to high heavens at the end of the day.

What I Wrote: Friday the 13th

Write uninhibited, unabashed, unforgiving, unspectacular, unnoticed, unapologetic, unsatisfied, unseen, unregretful, voiceless, powerless, with the deepest tones of magic; pure untattered, untarnished magic.

The magic of the dust in the eyes of the universe, energy of the spoken word, lapping through space in waves, ebbing and flowing, arching new openings to some other wonderland we keep dreaming about; brought to life by the edge of our fingertips, the warmth of human touch, the growing light that flickers through the winds of the storm but never goes out.

Write in chaos, sprawled across the walls of the world, the skin we live in, the sky that keeps us locked away.
Write in colors across the canvas, depicting this internal dance of demons and anger and a drumbeat that matches our marching hearts, stomping out a cadence, an eternal symphony, an empty orchestra that sets the stars in song and we cry at the words we can not comprehend.
And we search, we search for the meaning, we search for the truth, we search for some comfort or some chaos or some air to breathe besides these broken bones.
And for infinity we search, never growing weary, never losing hope, never closing our eyes without seeing seeing the bright horizon.
We carry on, we hold on hope, we fail to falter, we believe.
If ever there was something to be remembered for, if all else is lost and but one word remains, then let us rest in peace, never forgotten, brought to life on the lips of every being that says
"I believe."