What "Making It" Means

I want to share a very beautiful blog post by Numinous Jane about costumes. 

It is here: What Costumes Are You Wearing?

It's a short and sweet and powerful post. 

And it got me thinking on costumes I have been forcing myself in for years. 

YEARS! 

Ugh. 

And it grows tiresome. 

Because I am what I am now, but sometimes I put on different skins. 

Skins of the past, because they feel comfortable and keep me from trying when things are difficult.

They are an excuse. 

"I can't grow, I'm broken."

"I can't do that, I am a victim."

"I am in a shadow, my light can not shine."

No. 

I'm not that anymore. 

I will put on the costume of victim, damaged, emotional shattered, drowning in the dark sea.

And at one time, I was. It was bad. 

But I've come so far in my healing. 

Astronomical lengths, actually.

Looking at where I am now, compared to where I once was, I can't believe I made it here, this far. 

THIS is fucking making it. 

THIS is a success story. 

I'm alive.

I'm an artist, I am a light, I am waking up every day and trying and growing and existing. 

And appreciating it. 

I can get down about not having an art business or not being published. 

I can still let the past wounds come back to haunt me and make me feel like I'm not worthy or whole or bright or real. 

And when I let that past in or when I get down on myself for not being where I feel I should, 

those are costumes. 

Inhibiting.

I dance in my room and feel real joy through it, I cherish every interaction with my loved ones, I have a source and a release in art journaling, I have a voice and a truth. 

If I am living this truth everyday, if I am mindful and grateful and finding joy in being alive, then I am making it. 

It is the bare me, the gritty me, the un-costumed me.

The me I have created, the life I have created, the voice I have created; it's raw and awe-inspiring, even to me. 

Years ago, I never would have dreamt of being here now, being who I am, being happy and alive and joyous and bright. 

So this is very real to me. 

This is what "making it" looks like to me. 

And it's so fantastically, deeply, powerfully, achingly breathtaking that I could weep.

This is all the success I need. 

Obviously, I will keep working toward my passions and dreams. 

But at the end of the day, I am the best me I ever could have imagined being right now.

I exceeded my own expectations. 

I'm a fucking dream come true. 

And that's brilliant. 

That's all. 

By the Stream

First of all, I'm back on the internet! 

I honestly didn't miss it that much. (Except all the funny cat photos!) 

It definitely made me see how much time I gave to the internet world and not the real world. 

So, that is something I need to be mindful of. 

The past two weeks have been chaos and stress and sickness. :(

We've been understaffed at work, I've been working overtime. 

I got really sick, like couldn't move because it made my head, neck, and chest throb.

That lasted three days. 

And now allergies are kicking me in the face and it's rather unpleasant. 

But Sunday, I went to work and it was exhausting. I felt really defeated by the amount of work coupled with my sore and sick body. I just felt sad and defeated and beat up. 

But instead of just taking the bus home, which was really tempting, I took the creek path home. 

I kind of forced myself. I was like "You need some nature and the soothing sounds of the creek, so just suck it up. Go slow, but do it!  You need it, desperately."

So, I did. And it was really lovely. I really did need it quite badly. 

Being in nature helps to connect me, align me, and center me. 

It reminds me that it's not just work and scheduling and sickness. 

It reminds me that there's more.

I wrote this little poem, and it's kind of cheesy, but it's full of truth. 

(Also, I use the word "stream" in the poem, because I think it's prettier than "creek". Alas.)

"nothing like a twenty-five year old

sitting on a rock, staring

wistfully at the stream

poised to write melodramatic poetry 

like she did when she was sixteen.

But I swallow what the stream says

I swallow what the wind says

I swallow what the rays of sun through the leaves say

fallen in front of me

matter of factly

with the same staying sound

of a rock hitting the water

"Well, I can't go on being unhappy."

"Good"

the rocks say

"Good"

the moss says

"Good"

the water drying from my feet says

Good, and maybe

and here is space to try

to spread, to alter

here is the sound of becoming

the sound of sitting by the stream."

I hope that you are all well and all making space for your well being and brightness. 

April Poetry/Unplugging Challenge: Week One!

Here are some updates, insights, and poems from my first week into my challenges!

Some things written in my journal:

"It's hard not to get on the internet right after work. It's my usual routine. I usually read blogs to unwind. And instead of watching youtube when I eat, my usual routine, I read the news instead. 

I also got started on editing photos from a recent trip back home. These typically would have been pushed to the side. If I had social media, I would have kept getting sidetracked and distracted. 

But without them, I was able to focus on the photos and get a lot done. 

I did feel an itching to check everything though."

"I feel like being unplugged would be easier if I had my I-pod. I left it in Oklahoma. 

I wouldn't have to use my computer to check the weather or e-mail or bus times or listen to music. 

And thus, I wouldn't be tempted by all my bookmark taps. 

I didn't do all that much productive in place of social media, however. 

I ended up watching a lot of Sailor Moon."

"I thought unplugging would make me feel lighter, fresher, and more energetic. But so far, I feel jittery and uncomfortable. I think that the internet can be a form of numbing distraction. We can get so involved with our online presence, we neglect our real life presence. When we unplug, we have to actually focus on ourselves, on our lives. We have to look around us and we have to take responsibility for what we see." 

It gets easier everyday. I haven't thought about social media in two or three days. Real life starts to fill in the gaps. You find other ways to fill your time. Reading, writing, being out in nature, going out to your favorite coffee shop more frequently, walking, focusing on work, actually enjoying music, spending time with friends. It's powerful to see what little life things get shoved aside when you spend hours on social media a day instead. 

And now, here are some of my favorite poems from my first week! 

"Roots"

chanting beats

the side of my cheek

the center of me

off balance

making breathing worth it

skin counter acting 

the summer cricket song

the lazy smell of cut grass

and I would be sad at that,

but reflected in your face

is my dreams falling short of reality, 

always a bit too hazy around the edges

to be believed.

I've written this poem before

deju vu, an enigma in tones of passion

and weak limbs, hovering before the fall

to mid-day, if we can make it

there and back again

a human's tale

a journey of self circling questions

that cast shadows in the sun

the shape of sly pride

our feet could use the walking

to the silent gate unopened

stone blessings nestled

to quench the thirst, physical

my mind bends beyond

the meeting point of scared

and facing the wind

hands of iron metal

collapsing, caressing

I gasp in reassurance 

in the presence of peaceful sleep

to see the morning keeping you still

I stay

mixed fibers and fantasies

even with wings,

I grow roots. 

"Waiting And Swimming Naked"

a trampled waiting

in extreme conditions

if only I could see myself, 

fetch myself some water from the well

toss a wish in for rainy days

torn away scales to shine in summer skin

water flows onward, 

I'm just a stone in the stream

breathing out the Milky Way

wanting more

but the earth never complains to pay me

I'm ungrateful

wishful eyes, 

held open to the miracle of every limb

a dance to make the prayers leave the dead 

and settle in us instead

ill-received

our dispositions landlocked

craters the size of make believe

water steeped remedies 

to let the light in

thrown of tangent

through the looking glass

think fast

I'm only chasing peripheral visions

the hidden charms of warm wealth

the marriage of words with meaning

leaflet lullabies

to your unexpected arrival

the collision of gasping 

with what we heard is beyond our grasping

strung through

recognized,

stormy eyes, gone calm

"A meditation and dreams of Adam"

an energetic waiting

to turn the world on it'd edge

a slow moving morning

the words I write at snail's pace

just give me one big enough to ride around on

what is worthy to write about when you never experience life?

to whose expectations are you failing?

roundabouts and one size fits all

but I'm too charmed to slash the dreams away

the burden of rational thought eludes me 

minding

cross-legged on uncomfortable rocks

I always get gravel in my shoes

dirt under my nails

colors seen as tones

burnt feet on the way to the throne

extravagance untold

you gasp at all the right places

even in my dreams,

you wear the red hat

but in my dreams your hair is still woven sun

soft and light

 when now it's a glowing brown

a whole face reframed, betrothed, and miles away

counting crows to tell the time

each time my fingers peel

new fingertips reveal

that I'm not just a cycle

not built on bones alone

there's newness in the dust

I've known

creation in the old, 

sown deep and oversold

with each breath

we make a fortune


Well, there we are for now!
I hope April is treating you all well.
As another part of my challenge, I am making myself read once a week at the poetry nights here.
Maybe next week, I will get a friend to take some pictures or videos to share! :) 
It is nerve wracking, but I think I am getting better at being up there in front of people and having even a little bit of stage presence!

Much love,
Robyn

Get Lost

Hello beautiful and vibrant folks!

I just wanted to announce that I am taking a 30 day break from the internet. 

I have taken week long breaks before but I am feeling like a more drastic unplugging is in order. 

I will still be posting my #100happydays over on Twitter, but not to get the booklet reward.

I've already missed a day, so I don't get the reward, but I didn't feel like giving up the challenge altogether because of that. 

April is National Poetry Month, so I shall be challenging myself to write a poem everyday for the next 30 days. 

I may post on here every week or so, sharing my poems. 

But besides that, no browsing Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Blogger, Pinterest (oh god!). 

Lately, I keep feeling like I am missing something, some ritual of growth. 

So many things inspire me.

The ideas swarm and crowd my mind, so it's hard to sleep. 

I read about minimalism, intuitive art, art journaling challenges, feminine shaman work. 

Not to mention my interest in DIY, poetry, writing, and learning more about natural sciences. 

They all sound so empowering and full of joyful growth. 

So much so that I feel as if I am being pulled in many directions at once. 

I want to experience them all, but I know I can only focus on one at a time. 

So, I just end up halting, unable to take a beginning step in any direction at all.  

I feel as if I am floating in an infinite sea of grounding forces. 

I itch at the wispy feeling that grows within me. 

So, even if it's small; a small act, a tiny, almost imperceptible step.

Even if it's things I can easily do, like poetry.

I believe unplugging will help me to focus, on anything at all.

Anything besides merely reading about the journeys of others. 

I keep hesitating, imagining that at some point the stars will align, a light will shine on which path to take. I have a habit of waiting on perfect conditions. 

When I first came to Colorado, I experienced such a burst of growth, healing, and joy. 

I keep thinking that in order to experience such growth again, I must recreate the circumstances, the rituals, the meditations, and the courage. 

But it isn't a specific act, ritual, or set of circumstances that matters. 

It's choosing to lose yourself in something outside of yourself. 

To immerse yourself within it, to allow yourself to absorb it.

To be molded and transformed through the fire, through the passion of your journey. 

Let yourself become obsessed, enveloped. 

Whether it's personal healing, learning a new language, an art challenge, writing a book, learning engineering, or just finding reasons to be grateful everyday;

 become it, get lost within it.

 Blissfully lost. 

Don't try to grow. Just fall madly in love with what you are immersed in. 

Growth will unfold naturally.

And you will enter a state of grace. 

See you on the other side. 

 Be well.

Poems and pages!

Hello folks! 

So, I go through phases of not being able to write any poetry at all. 

But just recently, with spring coming in, I have just felt greatly inspired. 

And two poems just flowed from me so freely that I don't even think I wrote them and some cosmic being was ghost writing through me.

But still, they bring me some amounts of joy so I want to share them! 

"Among You"

I am among you, humanity

I dwell within

beating out your hearts cadence

coursing through your foggy veins

you are not without me

I reside in your breathing

in your eyes I twinkle like the starlihgt

so that when your lover looks into them, 

they shiver

they see themselves

they see us dancing

firelight

crisp evenings gone to the wind

I am the unheard song residing in your throat

nestled

warmth in your arms

the heat you radiate when your lover feels safe

I am the bags underneath your eyes 

when you stop sleeping 

because awake is the scariest thing you've done

I am the prints your fingers leave behind

evidence at the scene of your humanity's crime

of yearning

I am the song you call out

the bird that carries it across the decades

across the suns shining

the moon glow

the ambient sound of the ocean meeting the shore

I am for you

I breathe you

I keep my eyes upon you

I settle in to watch you rise and fall

the dream catcher that caught us all

I dreamt of you

I can not imagine a moment in your absence

the pain of air uninhabited by your being

for I am miles away but never far

I keep every time you blink within a jar

hidden

and you awake

you move your flesh in forward motion for my sake

and I entrance 

entreat the gods for you

and I surrender

I am the rain washing your dust away

and just to be the ground beneath,

just for that I stay

and I could call you sacred

to hear your voice vibrate the words 

"my Beloved"

I cross beyond no measure

beyond no worthy lands

and make my home in your quiet laughter

my pleasure path

my eternal fountained beauty

in you alone I take up residence

I am among you

I dwell within

beating out you cadence 

of absolution

"Coffee Cups" 

a paper bag of coffee cups

hard edges but soft to the touch

and I may never see this set of skin again in my lifetime

the need to memorize every line that you reside in overwhelms me

in one instance of absence then existing in the same realm of being as me 

and i'm left reeling 

and I am not myself

with no resolve to not be walking beside you for however long it takes

impatience is a trait trained too strong

but no more than expectations

I breathe to release them, let them drop like the walls of my reality

and I don't mean offense but your words are useless without form

and I take each sip with a grain of salt 

but I can't help tasting the graditude 

rising shamelessly but I let loose the useless pride 

of a life not fully lived and waiting anxiously to be filled

with the light of extrodinary existence

topped with the disappointment of unfulfilled realities

that fall from us like petals and we are the stem

we change pots but not personalities

but it's the pleasures of immediate surroundings 

that I can bear to leave well enough alone

and take steps in a different direction from the things I used to cling to 

I think they call that growth

but i'm just pleasantly surprised

to tuck it quiet within me

the return to a world that doesn't begin and end with someone else's eyes beholding 

what can't even be seen within me   

I think they call that freedom

but to me it's connecting the dots but coloring outside the lines

of reckoning

of a safety we can't undo

so we grow a garden instead

an air we made breathable within you

quietly proclaimed

as worthy.

So, yes, those are my two most recent poems that I am really quite smitten with!

My style is changing slightly, and my poems are getting longer. I'm into it. 

And here are two pages from my new art journal. 

I am trying new styles and exploring my expressions in this new journal. 

I pretty excited. 

Well, that is all for now! I am so excited for spring, it just makes me want to create so many things! 

I am on an indie folk kick lately. 

 And a smoothie kick. I've been making mine with strawberries, blackberries, kale, greek yogurt, and a touch of honey! So good!

Until next time, be well!

Lots of drawing and Elfing around!

Hello there folks! I've been doing a lot of drawing/doodling lately, just to try new things. 

Life has gotten a bit hectic, so I haven't been working on bigger pieces or even journal spreads lately. 

But doing a few drawings here and there helps me feel like I am not entirely dropping the ball!

 

I have also been whipping up some art print ideas, I plan on getting these into the etsy shop very soon! 

 

 And I've been traipsing about as an elf! Because...why not?

 I think my favorite part of dressing up is seeing children's faces light up and having them ask if my ears are real and replying with "Yes, I'm an elf! Shhh!"

:D 

Until next time, be well!

Sharing Sacred Spaces

I don't have much of a message this time around. I just wanted to share a sacred space I have created that brings me peace and joy.

It is somewhat of an altar, a place I go to meditate, and a collection of things that harness positive energy for me.

 There are lots of interesting trinkets! 

 These bells are probably my favorite thing I own right now! An elderly woman I know was giving away many of her possessions and insisted I take what I wanted. The bells were my first thought, such an incredible set and the sound is so harmonious and joyful! :)

 This is a little tray full of small stones and little tid-bits I have found through the years. 

 I have a thing for acorns, spirals, shells, and little vase/jar items.

 This little deer is another object found with the bells, it is so quaint! 

 I found this deer figurine in the trash, if you can believe it! I grabbed it up, washed it off, and it is now home on my cozy altar. 

 Also present is the Egyptian figurine in the front, also found with the bell. The Hippo figurine was also included with those items. My tarot deck (The Shadowscape Deck, to be exact), incense and incense holder, an ohm paper weight (the purple thing next to the deer), an ohm card, a chakra chart recently given to me by a friend, a currently empty notebook (that I plan to fill with spiritual and meditative ideas and inspirations), and a white tiger print that was gifted to me by a deer friend.

So many lovely things in one place! :) 

And hanging above the altar is this dream-catcher my lovely younger sister made me for my birthday! I attached windchimes to it that chime when the a/c goes off. 

Such uplifting energy!

Well, that is really it. I just love this little spot in my room that resonates positive energy, good memories, and joyful imagery.

I would love to hear about your sacred spaces and beloved items!