it's okay to let go (part two)

Hello humans! 

Here is more ramblings about letting go. 

Last time, I talked about letting go of social media followings, friends, or inspirations that may not be serving us any longer. 

And about how that's okay. 

Today I want to talk about letting go on a broader scale. 

And it's kind of a process. Try it with me?

Take out a journal or notebook and create a list of things you want to let go of. 

whether it's aspects of yourself, bad habits, old idealogies, anything that isn't serving you anymore.

write for three minutes. 

Here's my list:

presentation

branding

quiet

timid

uncomfortable

lazy

stagnation

giving time to those that don't deserve it

social media culture 

inaction

fomo

ideals

apologetic 

judgemental

shy

cowardly

and then just write some free flow of thought connections and elaborations about your list.

here's my ramblings: 

more heartfelt yearnings, less presentation. not clean, not sterile, not formatted. a jumbled mess of grammatical errors. cozy room covered with books and art and knick knacks from memories and tea and shadows and late nights.

that's why vibe now. a growing. a shaking of preconceived notions, of no more weighing me down, just free flow and raw and nerve endings open to the elements 

more sharing, story telling, support, servicing. not branding, not networking, not products or numbers or demographics or deadlines or social media friendly 

i want hard working body toiling, steadfast, earthy sweat 

i want passion work exhaustion after wrestling paint and helping strangers and learning something new and doing chores. 

i want that appreciation of existence.

to the edge, and then jumping, and it's a free fall kind of life i'm looking for. 

i don't want to be too timid to learn tap dancing to push myself to animate, to stretch my creative limits and abilities and forge through fire and experience and mold the clay with muddy hands and rain

living out loud unapologetically, make up words, be blunt, shudder at the beauty of the breeze instead of the stress

talk to strangers.be nice.

pathways

fully. i want full, overflowing colors, laughter, dance, skin touching, sparkling star filled sky appreciations and appreciations of fleeting, glances, grasps, gaspings, grateful moments 

i just wanna be my mess and love listening and record it all, in messy books with papers and poetry and scribblings and drawings of places after sunset and 80s art and fleeting music, smoking train lounges, sincerity, combat boots and green hair and crying too much and anxiety and wanting more and breathing my life like air my lungs yearn for

and i don't know or care that I know. 

but it's good to write. 

give it a try. 

you might surprise yourself. 

and then let some things go. 

and be easy on yourself.

it's okay to let go (part one)

As I settle into the new year, I feel a shifting. 

I have been sick since New Year's Eve. 

10 days. And counting. 

Today I felt the best I have in days. 

But there's still a deep cough in my chest. My abs hurt from coughing. 

I'm sweaty all the time. and out of it. 

and my neck and shoulders and upper back are constantly aching. 

And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

I've done everything I can. I've taken medicine, I've drowned my system in teas and water, I've rested sooo much. 

And for some reason, since I've been sick, I can't drink coffee or soda (and definitely no alcohol!) or eat anything too terrible for me. 

It feels awful in my throat and makes my body feel instantly heavy and sickly. 

Which is good. and something that may stick, honestly. 

But while I'm doing all I can with the sickness, and it isn't shaken yet; 

there are plenty of other things I'm sick and tired of that I can control right now. 

And so I feel a shift. 

And a releasing. 

and a heaviness lifting off my weary shoulders. 

2016 was a rough year. 

beautiful in many ways. 

but brutal. 

and I'm ready for fresh perspectives.

ready to rally. 

to grow without apologizing.

and so I've been letting a lot of things go. 

I've been unsubscribing from many things, from mailing lists, blog subscriptions, instagrams, twitters, and so on and so on. 

Because it's okay to do that. 

There are many artist that I've been following since I fell in love with art making some 6 years ago.  

And while they guided me and inspired me and helped me to come alive in art, some of their messages just don't resonate with me anymore. 

And that's okay! 

Their messages are still brilliant. 

And I still appreciate them deeply for what their words and e-mails and artworks did for me. 

But there's only so much time and energy one can devote. 

and I need more time and energy to devote to being bad ass and making my life brilliant. 

so I wanted to tell you, that it's okay. 

Just because someone follows you, doesn't mean you have to follow them. 

Just because you started following someone a year ago, doesn't mean you have to keep following them if they no longer spark you. 

you are under no obligation to keep facebook friends you never talk to, or have your inbox flooded with messages that once saved you, but now seem like ideas you've outgrown. 

listen, I don't read a lot of coming of age fiction these days because I'm not coming of age. 

Coming of age stories were powerful to me when I was 13. 

but at 28, they lack the same connection and realness that made my life feel sharper. 

the same applies here. 

I've grown deeply and expanded greatly along my artistic journey. 

I'm not where I want to be but I'm a lot farther than I was. 

and I'm thankful. 

I'm so damn thankful for these artists and their words and their works and for sharing so that little bright eyed and scared me could see and be inspired and feel less alone and have courage to make something and share it. 

I wouldn't be where I am today without them. 

And that's important. 

and so is space. 

clearing the old to allow space to be filled with new words and new artists and new connections and new growths and explorations. 

It's not rude, it's not shameful, it's not ungrateful.

in fact, letting go and stepping forward to your next artistic expansion is how we honor those that guide us.  

allow this of yourself. 

just test it out. 

go through your friends list, delete five people you don't really know, will never really talk to. 

It's okay. 

unfollow blogs that aren't of interest to you anymore, maybe save posts that really lit you up, but after that, let go. 

it's okay.

 you will feel lighter.

(i have so much more to say about letting go, because it applies to so many things in life. I am going to write another post soon, maybe two. we shall see.) 

and please.

be kind.

to yourself and others. 

thank you.

My Art of 2016

Hello Humans! 

I wanted to share some of my favorite art works from each month of 2016! 

It's easy to think that we aren't going anywhere with out creative goals or dreams or skills. 

But if you look back, there's usually a reaction of "Whoa. Look how far I've come!" 

Or for me, it's like "I can't believe I made that! It's so good!" 

I really like making art that I love looking at. 

It is one of my highest joys in life.

So let's take a look at some of my 2016 art highlights! 

January

I made this pretty close to the new year. I was listening to Jeff Beck and just doodling paint around and writing little quips about art and life. I like the loose, free hand style of it. 

February

This was when I first started playing with all my markers. (If you follow me on instagram, you know I went through quite the marker phase. It was a lot of fun. And challenging!) 

March

 More marker fun! I would challenge myself by only picking three to four colors to work with. 

April

Even more markers!! As you can see, I tended to favor blues and purples. This one was for an instagram challenge called #aprilartchallenge. I believe it was @bybun who started it. It was a lot of fun, even though I didn't finish. This one was "zodiak sign" I'm a Gemini so that's what I drew! 

May

Here's where things start to get crazy! It's hard to believe I've only been doing digital art for less than a year! I love it so much! This is one of my earlier pieces, when I was still trying things out and getting acquainted with my app. (FYI: most of my digital art is made on my phone with an app called ArtStudio. I have the paid version but the free version is incredible as well. I have about three other photo editing apps that I use to edit the works as well.)

June

This is one of my all time favorites. This is one that I look at and think "holy crap. I can't believe I made this!" And I made it in the same month as my birthday! :D 

July

This one really stands out to me because it's actually super detailed, with the knots in the wood and the yarn wrapped around. It usually takes me about two to three hours total to make a regular digital piece. This one probably took like four to five. 

August

Since I began making digital art, I wasn't making a lot of regular art. I made this piece while I listened to the Art Journal Jam with Connie and Tashie. (They aren't happening anymore, but you can still watch the first three. Here's a link: Art Journal Jam Episode One.

They were great fun to listen to. This was just me being idle and experimental with my paints and makers. It's a fun mess.

September 

I traveled a lot this month due to the passing of my amazing Grandma and for more pleasant reasons; the amazing IGNITE Immersion with Connie Solera in Washington. Seriously one of the best experiences of my life and one I will probably devote a much belated blog post to. I miss those ladies everyday! I made a lot of art there but want to save it for it's own post. Plus, some of it is very personal and raw. But I made this little trippy doodle at work, I believe. (another great thing that happened this month was that I left my awful, disheartening job for a lovely job at a Bed and Breakfast. It can be hard work but it is so rewarding and the atmosphere is so uplifting! and don't even get me started about my lovely coworkers!)

October

Back to digital arting. I was inspired by a lot of 80's Japanese art on Tumblr. I might make another post about that too. I wish there was a name for the type of art I'm talking about, but if there is, I don't know it. But I find it calming and lovely. (The words in this piece are lyrics from a song called Carnival Babel by Takada Band. It's the theme song to an anime from the 90s called "Blue Seed")

November

If you follow me on instagram, you know that I've been making a lot of art with these little creatures in them. They don't have a name yet, but they speak softly to me. They are quite lovely. And this one reminds me of banana leafs, which I love. This is also when I started editing my art with different photo apps and getting all kinds of cool effects and outcomes. 

December

This is one of my favorite pieces ever. EVER! I might get it as a tattoo, honestly. I just love it! There's not really much else to say about it. I just adore it. 

Well, there's my art highlights of 2016! 

I'm excited to see what 2017 holds for me. I've already made a few digital pieces that I quite like. And I have a studio space to make actual art in now! 

There's a lot I want to explore and grow with, like short animations, and a lot of stuff involving Patreon. Which you can check out here: My Patreon

It's not completed yet, but I'm kind of jumping in full force. I figure it's the only way I'm going to get into action!

I will talk more about my Patreon in an update post soon, talking about my year ahead, ideas, youtube plans, and dates for lots of goodies and experiments and blahblahblahART! 

I just had coffee and my brain is teeming with creative lightning. 

I would love to see what you've created in the past year and hear what your creative dreams are for the upcoming year! 

Be brilliant in the face of all this nonsense in the world. 

Be kind to yourself and others. 

<3 b="">

the sounds of morning

i remember snapping long green beans in half

they grew in their own garden

i remember cautiously using the sewing machine

scared i would get my hand underneath the needle

barely pressing my foot on the peddle

we made pillows and stuffed dogs

i still have the cross eyed dog

i remember big jars filled with sea shells 

i would dump them out and sort them 

by size and color and type of shell

i remember cucumbers

also grown in the garden

sliced and put in containers of water, vinegar, onions, salt and pepper

i remember homemade play dough. 

i would eat it

it was very salty

 i remember the best no bake cookies ever

i remember sitting on her lap

as she read me Snow White

she would lick her finger before slowly turning each page

 the book is on my altar now 

she used to say that i was always such an artist

but i don't remember it

she had the magic super nintendo touch

when a game messed up, it only worked when she blew into the cartridge 

like magic

 she closed her eyes when she laughed 

i never saw her angry 

i remember sleeping over, on the couch

and waking up to the sounds of her shuffling about

making coffee, starting breakfast, talking quietly with grandpa

i would lay there for awhile, awake, letting the senses sink in

the smells of homey foods, of old fabrics and old books

 the sound of comfort

the shuffles of quietly starting a new day

 the sounds of morning

 

i got fired yesterday

I'm not even upset. 

Mostly relieved. 

But blind-sighted. 

They made some absurd accusations. 

I don't think they even believed them. 

I think they just wanted an excuse. 

Because the accusations were that absurd. 

I don't think they even expected me to believe that they believed them.  

But let them have their narrative. 

I love the hospitality industry. 

I have worked at hotels for about five years collectively. 

I love the work. 

And I used to love this particular location. 

But about four months ago, management changed. 

A lot of people that made the job enjoyable left. 

And after giving a lot to this job,

and being told subtly that I was in consideration for a management position, 

then being told that the job wasn't being opened up,

to then seeing an ad for the position on Craigslist.

It was no longer a place I gave myself to. 

It was a place I showed up, did the work, and got paid. 

The connection was severed. 

I was doing the bare minimum.

I admit it. 

So. 

I'm not upset. 

I'm upset at the accusations that are blatant lies. 

But I'm doing okay right now. 

The past few months have been a whirlwind. 

They have been heavy, and busy, and fulfilling, and exhausting. 

I will write about it all another time. 

I am going to do an October challenge. 

I'm making one up. 

Probably focusing on digital art. 

I have a drawing pad that needs dusting off. 

I'm grateful for a lot right now. 

I'm lonely too. 

The good and the bad in life aren't felt at separate times. 

It's all happening at the same time. 

 I'm happy to feel it. 

[I'm a teacher in 21 Secrets Color Color Color! 

There will be a giveaway on my instagram soon. 

It's @yaelaedart. 

You can also purchase 21 Secrets through my affiliate link 

(that means I get a percentage) here: 

www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=1502783&cl=134923&c=ib&aff=315670 ]

I'll be around. 

There's more to say. 

My youtube is changing. 

More on that another time. 

Thanks for being around. 

 

without spectacle

I've written several blog posts about how I haven't written a blog post in a long time. 

They all got deleted. 

I don't really want to write about how I didn't write for a long time. 

I don't really want to drag through explanations and excuses. 

It's irrelevant. 

I thought maybe it was the due process in order to start again. 

But I don't want fanfare. 

I am without spectacle. 

I just want to post again. 

So I am. 

They may be different from my past writings. 

But so am I. 

I like who I am. 

I want to like writing again. 

So without further pageantry or to do. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

summer days in the mountains. 

the cool crystal rushing of the creek. 

 

 

 

kinship.

(I just want to record things. Set them down in digital stone. I couldn't get the pictures to format anything close to correctly or nicely. But I don't care. 

And I feel free.)

Dreams Arising

Dreams are arising for me. 

They are coming up strong, forces to be reckoned with. 

I feel empowered, commanding. 

Calling them home like lost children.

They are awakening.

They are thundering.

Struck.

I'm the conduit.

I'm the friction.

I'm the electrified air frizzling.

I'm the strike.

The blinding white hot bolt.

I'm the smoldering.

The aftershock.

I'm not taking my life lightly anymore. 

I'm experiencing fiercely.

I may be mindful, brewing.

But my meaning is in movement. 

Act.

Ritual.

Ceremony.

Honoring.

But also jumping in, full force.

Safety free.

 Burning chaos.

Madness in the methods.

Creating, forming. 

Emptying. 

Molding.

These experiences will form my reality.

My spirit.

My chemical make up.

I immerse in fear.

Fear of judgement.

Fear of failure. 

Fear of looking foolish.

Fear of what loved ones will think.

Fear of not being supported. 

Honestly:

A fear of becoming the force of energy I feel is forming and arising.

A fear of changing so much that I won't be able to relate to loved ones the same way I do now.

A fear that loved ones won't like my emerging ideals, my lifestyle, my energy, my focusing. 

A fear they won't share with me, celebrate with me, appreciate with me, vision with me, expand with me. 

I burn through fear. 

Vapor alchemy.

I arise.

yaelaed abides.