Tuesday, September 22, 2009

journeying is a dark, dangerous and beautiful thing

i have been on a journey.
i think some of you may have noticed the changes, the bad ones.
i have been gone, i have been dumb,
i have been angry, i have been numb.
i felt forgotten, closed off, used, invisible, alone, scared, betrayed.
i think people thought i was trying to make them feel guilty for what i was going through.
in all honesty, i was trying to hide it from everyone, but it escaped, and in an entirely incorrect light.
and it just made everything worse.
i felt like i was being judged for how i was feeling, for struggling.
i wanted to push everyone away.
i stopped feeling.
i was entirely numb.
i didn't want to love, i didn't think i could.
i didn't see the point.
i could not trust anyone.
i had so many questions, so many doubts.
and when i looked for answer, i only found more doubt.
i was afraid of what i would find if i kept looking.
i was afraid i would find that it's all a lie.
i have lived in fear.
which seems so unlike me!
this is not who i am.
i was always the one who cared too much, quick to forgive, too much love to know what to do with!
so alive, so free, so much hope.
how did i become so bitter? so empty?
and it's funny how the littlest things can make you see so clearly.
like taking a walk on a fall morning.
there is so much hope outside these walls.
i'm not just talking about my house, i mean this life i have built for myself.
i needed to get out of it for awhile.
i needed to find my own beliefs, my own purpose.
people keep telling me that if i have a purpose, i will feel better.
they talk about having a job or going to school, knowing my career.
i have never been one to really care about my career.
i don't see that as my life. i see my loved ones as my life.
and i know that the reason i have been lost, is not a lack of knowing what i want to do,
but the lack of knowing my place in the lives of those i love.
they are where my purpose lies, not my job.
i have felt misplaced, which made me pull away, which made me absent, which made me misplaced.
a most dark and hurtful cycle.
alas, i have been gone.
i have not been myself.
i have not been a friend at all.
but it was a good cause.
i needed to go through this.
i needed to journey.
it sucked, i am not going to lie, there were times when i felt as if my chest was being crushed under all the pain. it was painful, dark, and scary.
but it was worth it and entirely necessary.
i don't feel like i should hide my struggles, no one should.
i'm sorry if it makes people uncomfortable.
i do not share to place blame on others for my struggles, or make them feel guilty for not helping.
i do not expect anyone else to fight my battles, but i don't see why i can't share them as well.
i am not afraid to share who i am, even the dark parts, or what i am going through.
i am done living in fear, especially the fear of how others will think of my actions of thoughts.
my true loved ones will support me.
i am not perfect, i am not going to feel guilty for feeling alone or scared sometimes, even when surrounded by friends.
i am not going to feel guilty for needing to get away sometimes, to step outside of my life to find myself, to understand more fully.
i am only human. and i think more people should act like they are.