Sunday, February 23, 2014

It's okay to miss out.

There's a lot of stuff in the world. 
There are a lot of shows, and a lot of events, and a lot of friends that want you to do things. 
There are a lot of plans that can be made. 
But more than anything, there is a lot to miss out on.

And it can feel bad. 
It can feel like you don't know as much as others, like you are living under a rock, like others are living a better life than you. 
When we don't watch the shows or movies that others do, when we don't go to the events that our friends do, when we don't learn the cool skill that someone else knows, we can feel inferior and not enough. 
We feel out of the loop. 

But what I am learning to do lately is to breathe. And then to let those insecurities go. 
I am enough, my activities are enough, my pursuits are enough. 
I would not be a better me if I saw every episode of Game of Thrones. 
I would not be a better me if I went to a concert or party. 

I'm not saying you should hole up and never experience things.
I'm just saying that it's okay to have priorities and for those priorities to be different from everyone else's. 
And it's okay to let some things slip by. 

We can't be on top of everything all the time. 
But we can focus our time and energy on things that bring us joy and growth. 

Right now, all I can think about is embroidery, poetry, and making things for my etsy shop. 
And that's okay. 
Those things make me really happy. 

And sometimes I don't feel like catching up on even my favorite shows.
Sometimes I have to cancel plans with much loved friends because I have a limited supply of energy and I really just want to make art and read poetry. 
Sometimes I am out of the loop and don't know the latest gossip or news. 
But I am growing, I am creating, I am experiencing what makes my spirit dance. 

There is a lot going on in the world. 
There is so much to experience. 
That's what makes living so amazing. 
You can do so much. 
You just have to learn to be okay with what you choose to have time and energy for.

Choose what makes you happy and what you are excited about in this moment, let the rest go.
That is okay. 
You are okay.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Saving Grace of Mantras

Firstly, (and my favorite part of my posts, really) some recent journal pages! :) 

What I love about these pages is that they are all pretty different. I am trying new styles and exploring different methods. I am loving the results!

 The one above is supposed to be a self portrait, and while it doesn't look exactly like me, I am totally in love with it.

And now for the gritty life stuff!
 For the past month, we have been understaffed at my work. Thus, we have all been picking up the slack with extra work. My work is physical and the added work has been leaving me too drained for pretty much anything else. And after a month of this, I looked around and wonder where I was in my life. I don't want to be doing this job forever, I certainly shouldn't be burning myself out for it. I was dedicating all my energy into it and giving none to writing, to art, to finding blissful joy in my surroundings and being in the moment.

I was feeling helpless and hopeless, stretched too thin, run into the ground, living a daily life in a dull numb gray, indistinct, powerless, and lackluster.
I felt as if aspects of myself had been stolen, I felt pushed into a corner. I felt out of control of myself, my direction, and my own energy. 
I felt dulled down, a shadow of myself, muted.
And it was at a the bus station when I was thinking of all the things I didn't feel I was emulating any longer, due to pure exhaustion. 
And I found that the only way to keep from thinking of how cold I was, and how long I had before the bus came, I started walking back and forth and repeating mantras in my mind.

"I am empowered, I am radiant. I am warmth, I am truth." 

These were the things I felt had been lost to me, and I had to gently remind myself that I had them.
 I am still them, they had just been overshadowed by the struggles at work, the hard labor, the lack of sleep, the lack of time and energy for the things that make my spirit grow and dance.
"I am empowered" 
I have choices, my freedom still exist. I am not stranded in this situation. I can make changes, positive changes that will heal me and move me on a path toward energy and creativity. I do not have to be run down, to be exhausted, to be stressed. I can have a life filled with joy and vibrant energy. And I don't have to wait helplessly, hoping that this life will be delivered to me. I can make immediate steps in this direction. I have the power to determine my steps and my direction.
"I am radiant." 
I am not dulled down, I am not a shadow. I am a full, bursting over, spring of radiance. I am not muted. I am loud, weird, creative and vivacious. I am these things, they are my birthright, my natural state of being. I have creative energy and inspiration to bring into this world. I have light to shine in the darkness. My laugh is loud and my love is boundless, unending. I am not small, I am not quiet. I am bright and radiant. I may not always have the energy to be so outwardly loud and vibrant, but no matter what, my inner landscape is bright colors, magical creatures, fantastic dreams, and unending whimsy. And that is something that can never be taken away, dulled, or muted.

"I am warmth" 
Okay, I was mostly repeating this mantra because it was really cold outside! But it was still nice to think of myself as warmth on a freezing, icy day. I am not cold, I am not ice. I have so much love inside me. I have warmth and care and kindness for everyone in my live. I can get very reclusive and introverted. It can be very hard for me to open up and connect with people. But there is still warmth within me for those I hold dear, even if it does take some force for me to get it out to those that very much deserve it.  It is a nice reminder that I am not a robot, I am very human. I am living the grit, the chaos, the very real human experience. I am riding the waves of confusion, love, hope, fear, pain, joy and wonder. I am in it, breathing, experiencing, sharing.

"I am truth" 
It's easy to feel like I am a fake. I write about how to live an inspired, creative lifestyle. But lately, I have not been living it myself. I have been working my body into the ground at a physically and mentally exhausting job, leaving no energy or space to feel inspired, to feel joyful for the little things. It's a pretty disheartening place to find oneself in. But I still have my truths, my steadfast ideals on what life is truly all about and what I embody and stand for. Certainly I have pushed myself into a corner, draining myself. but my truths are still there, under my surface, waiting for me to call upon them, to bring them out into the world.

I have these mantras and I am these mantras. I am empowered, radiant, warmth, and truth. No one can take these things away from me but me. And once I realized where I had landed myself, I immediately starting taking steps on a path toward healing and energy, a path of joyful abundance and creativity. It will be a struggle. But having energy to live my truths and ideals is of the utmost importance and I have to fight for it with everything I do. 
And so from now on, my steps and actions will be dedicated to  putting myself in a place of energy to live ideally with my passions and goals.

I am empowered, radiant, warmth, and truth. 
And so are you.