Reflecting on 2012

2012 has been a tumultuous year! I moved back to Oklahoma from Colorado, celebrated a one year anniversary with my wonderful Maldives, I learned a lot of lesson, had lots of lazy days, and I cried a LOT! But it was beautiful! So, here's a reflection on 2012 before I set my eyes on tackling 2013!
Here is some of my best Facebook statuses from 2012:

 

 Here's some photos of great 2012 moments:

 

1) My friends and I went to "Life in Color", an awesome dance rave where they throw/shoot/pour lots and LOTS of paint on you! It was so much fun!
2) A picture of me from my Welcome Back to Oklahoma party! We went down to the river, which I missed greatly while I was away, and I got to hang out with greatly missed friends!
3) My family and I went to a peace festival! This is my dad an I holding up the free signs they had at the door! I love my family!

And here's some of my favorite art pieces I have created in 2012:

 

And here are my two favorite "How Strange, How Small We Must Become" blog posts: 

http://howstrangehowsmall.blogspot.com/2012/01/lets-talk-dirty.html

http://howstrangehowsmall.blogspot.com/2012/03/human-experience.html

I am very excited for 2013! I will post my goals and dreams once we get into the new year! I hope everyone had a merry Christmas and a magical 2012! What are some of your favorite moments of 2012?

Early December Update

I am loving this holiday season so far. I am having so much fun being crafty, making Christmas decorations and Christmas gifts. I love my holiday playlist. Sufjan Stevens, Family Force 5, and Relient K all have amazing Christmas albums.

The winter season and cold outside does bring about an atmosphere of internal reflection. I try to be mindful of my self everyday, my feelings, my memories, my intentions. I have a lot of hurt that still needs healing and I am trying everyday to lighten the load and be mindful of the source of suffering. It's a tangled, exhausting battle. A daily battle of the darkness of past hurts and the light of ever- springing creativity. It might not be a battle that ever ends, because each day brings new pains and new inspirations for hope. I am learning to allow myself the dark days, because they help me to find healing as well. Simply smothering the darkness with smiles and acting like it isn't there will not heal in the end. Everyday is new and I must put one foot in front of the other with the intent of doing the best I can, of seeing with eyes unclouded by hate. Wish me well, and I wish the same for you!

 One of my homemade Christmas presents, this one is for my nephew!

 I like adding texture to art with tangles of string!

 The three above are art journal pages. 

And I am always adding to my Christmas decorations! 

I hope you are all enjoying December and the holiday season! :D

Christmas Decorations!

Since I am living in my own apartment instead of at home, I don't have all of my mom's closet of holiday decorations to rely on. (Although I did swipe a few things, with her reluctant permission.)
I don't have money to purchase all new decorations so I decided to make a few out of things lying around the house!

 I made ornaments out of an insert in a box of coca-colas. Just cardboard and acrylic paint!

 These little guys were also made from cardboard, the snowflakes are just regular ol' printer paper. 

 I made our stocks out of scrap fabric from my hoard of craft things. Instead of candy and little toys, we are going to put nice notes in each other's stockings throughout December and then read them on Christmas Day. :D

 These last two are classics from my mom's collection. I can't imagine Christmas without this Nativity scene!

I have started on my Christmas playlist and made a list of all the Christmas movies I must see. So excited for this season!

What are your favorite Christmas decorations from your childhood? In what ways have you added your own touch to your Christmas decor?

Happy holidays and good cheer for all!

It's been a good while.

Hello old friends! Long time no posts! I have been living life and sometimes I forget all about blogging or I am just t lazy to muster up creative posts! Well, I am going to try and get back in the game! To dip my toes back in the blog pool, I am just going to do a simple post!
First off, I have been sketching/doing more art recently, here's some!

And here's a list of things I am really appreciating right now!

• cuddling with Maldives
• the patience I have learned whilst taking care of a new pet rabbit.
• time spent with my family, whether it's dinner for my mom's birthday, my dad clan coming to a peace festival, or just playing some Mario Kart with my brother.
• the fall colors, they are coming really late this year and you would think that the excitement of seeing a bright fall leaf would ebb with time, but it actually grows. 
• planning a road trip to Colorado.

What things are making you guys happy right now?!

Beyond The Name

"The name that can be named is not the eternal name." - The Tao Te Ching

I quite enjoy pondering the infinite nature of our Creator; how the Spirit transcends time, space, realms, dimensions, and most importantly, the roles we are constantly trying to cram the Spirit into. God is not God because we call him thus, he is not Father, Son, Holy Spirit, because we call him thus. He does not exist by the mere confirmation of our words. The Being is beyond our perceptions, beyond our faith, beyond our prayers, beyond our averted eyes when we pass the homeless, beyond our ever growing worship centers with 30 t.v.s and comfy auditoriums that fit 3,000 people. He is beyond the role of our petty expectations; expectations to hate homosexuals, or make tribes in Africa act just like us, or to heal every hunger/disease/travesty that we just don't have the time to bother with.

I suppose I am going into rant mode. I guess I just wish people would realize that the Eternal being permeates everything, it is not shackled to our version of Him, our our ideals, or our religious texts, or our names. He is not his name. He is his existence. He is breath, beauty, thunder, hunger, agony, peace, light, the fabric of creation, the weaver, the healer, the incredibly blinding truth. And no name we give Him, no role we cast upon Him will ever be the Creator's true state, will never define his unfailing essence. I wish we could all rejoice in each other's knowledge and experiences with the Being instead of scoffing at anything that goes against our self made image of what a relationship with and worship of the Creator should be. May you all worship and revel in the form of the Spirit that is most prevalent and true to you. Amen!

Abundance

I thought I may write a short, sweet blog on the topic of abundance. I was meditating in Maldives' yard a few mornings ago and I became quite peaceful in the knowledge of complete abundance. I am in a transitional phase in my life, I am without work and quite without money in which to eat, let alone pay those pesky bills that keep us sustained in society. I have, at times, felt helpless and utterly without; without the means to provide for myself, without the means of a positive future, without the means to achieve the dreams I so desperately seek. I do try fiercely to remain in the positive realm of perception, but even I can be darkened by uncertainty's looming shadow. But as I sat meditating, I looked above me, at the brilliance of the green leaves as the sun filtered through them to meet my skin. I breathed slowly and surely, interchanging my energy with the earth's. I am not as without as I find myself want to believe. My eyes receive abundance in beautiful things to witness, my lungs receive abundance in refreshing air to breathe, my spirit receives abundance in the vibrational connection to the breathing fibers of the universe, my being itself receives abundance in the blessings my dear Creator pours upon me. I am resting peacefully in sweet, harmonious abundance. I live in excessive blessings, I shall not want. I wish the same to all of you, the people whom brighten my life so unknowingly. Namaste!

I am 24.

I am back in Oklahoma! It still feels pretty weird! I miss Stargasm (my Colorado family) sooo much! I am 24 and starting a new chapter in my life. I am so insanely different from the person who left Oklahoma eight months ago. Back then I was filled with fear and self-doubt, leaning on friends, afraid to take a step forward in any direction. I felt invisible, insignificant, and forgettable. I was petty and self-centered. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I was any of those things, I was just running around in circles, flailing about but not accomplishing anything. The Truth sought me out in Colorado. I stopped flailing about and I sat still and breathed. And that's when the truth unfolded all around me. I breathed it in and we became the same vibrational energy. I learned some extravagant things about my Creator, the universe, my energy, my ego, my false self and my true self. Coming back to Oklahoma was a majorly scary step. Would I fall back on who I was before or would my true self expand in the land of my history? And thus far, I feel quite free from my past. I am standing firm in my breathing and not letting myself fall into people's preconceived notion of who I should be based on who I may have been in the past. I am humbled, I am patient, I am outside my own self, seeing and experiencing all things as they really are. I am accepting, dropping projections and expectations. I am throwing myself off the ledge into things that I fear, realizing that thinking about doing thing is by far more frightening than actually doing them. Some people may be disappointed in who I am, that I am not the Robyn they expect me to be. And that is very sad for them. But I can not allow it to instill a fear in me that paralyzes me from action, that causes me to clothe myself in a fake skin, to project an illusion that they desire. My energy is better spent loving without limits, healing whom I can, and experiencing this human existence with unbounding joy, laughing at the little things with a laughter that shakes my very bones. I'm a minimalist, anti-consumerist, feminist, anti-rape culture, liberal minded, thrift store addicted, lucy in the sky exploring, earth loving, energy harnessing, vagabonding, positive body image supporter, burlesque loving healer. Which is all, of course, the very tip of the iceberg of my being. But I am everything that I am, in constant forming and unforming, becoming and unbecoming, with an openness and acceptance of whatever "I" am at each unfolding moment. What a freedom to embrace!

Face Full of Truth

I am a dreamer. I can not help it! I always have been and I probably always will. I dream of a minimalist life, living outside society's norms, living outside consumerism, hurting the earth as little as possible and hopefully healing more than I hurt. And I have made steps along this peaceful path. But I mostly cling to dreaming of a future in which I practice all these things and live happily in some quiet cottage, surrounded by forest and a babbling brook, or what have you. But the truth is, that is not going to happen tomorrow, or in the next year, and depending on where this path of life takes me, I may not ever get there. I am not living out my own beliefs and ideals because I am waiting for some picture perfect life to fall into my lap first. But really, my life is crazy, chaotic and not calming down anytime soon. I work a physically demanding job, I am moving back to my home state in 11 days, I am currently living with 7 people in a four bedroom house, and mostly, my mind is racing. All.the.time.

So, because my life is an unpredictable chaos ball, I don't have time to waste on waiting. I need to start practicing my ideals now. I need to get rid of all these excess possessions, I need to make my own soaps and remedy products as opposed to buying chemicals and supporting the corrupt medical system. I need to buy healthy, local, and organic foods. I need to stop giving money to companies whose values and actions I do not support at all. I need to stop eating meat. Seriously. I need to do work that is meaningful to me, that I am passionate about. I need to let go of my little comforts and really practice what I know to be true for my life. I need to stop the little voice that says "Well, you are way better than 99% of America, you don't own a huge t.v. or a snazzy car, you meditate and focus on positive energy, you are patient and compassionate and you write poetry and all that cool stuff."

I am never going to heal this Earth by dreaming, or wishing, or waiting around, or feeling high and mighty at accomplishing the bare minimum. I am never going to create the life I wish for all beings if I do not create it for myself first. I can not heal another spirit until I have sucked society's poison of comfort and complacency from my own veins.

I need to get radical. I need to get weird. I need to get extreme. People will get annoyed, people will get weirded out, and people will get a face full of truth.

But I need a face full of truth first. And instead of just dreaming for it, I am going to run towards it, noodle arming it and screaming like a banshee from hell. I'm not quite sure why, but it feels really right.

some new poems

"an empty house"

stretched upwards down and falling fast,

spiraled wrought in eternal light

her bones are only used for dust these days

dust upon the books, upon the rickety chair

held solid by long closed eyes,

washed away from wooden floors by late summer rains,

rinsing ripples on stain glass windows

of once upon a time,

for crying out loud to whisper softly in the spider's ear

what designs to falter into splendor

crisscrossing lights, bending morning dew into fragments

of filtered possibilities 

the quiet of the uncanny house settled deeply on the southern soil

creeping forth the wicked green of winding vines

valiantly raising their existence

with breath broken into vapor

resting on your lips, held limp

in your ragged hands

curtains hung stagnant in forgotten breezes 

of broken lullabies, stuttered goodbyes

and the fading dusk of leaving shadows on your desk. 

"a cold hallway"

unpaled by retracting footfalls 

who spoke you so silently to make you shake so deep?

shedding paper thing hymns from your feet, 

washed clean as freshly fallen snow

catching on your eye lashes,

mounting cities out of frozen flakes,

beckoning out icy awes of reverence

for the defeat of ancient skies 

from whence the words once came

aching smoke to just be still awhile, 

for our skin to settle down

with all our thrashing around

to forget that we're still sinking in the earth's deep black

reserved for beings to disappear to their own liking

so swiftly that the space they once inhabited 

never seemed that empty at all

or so hauntingly slow that their breath

lingers at the edge of our ears,

their footsteps still fall with some folly

on the persistent cold of the hallway's wooden quiet.

"a rainy graveyard"

damp wild, trodden and soggy 

from the sky's fallen grace

but keep up the pace, 

i'm trying to say something here.

peachy florals rising to the surface of your skin

to brush the steely coolness of the passing gun

to pass the time

to pass the vibrations of your rhyme 

played out by bony fingers

ringing out bells for every lost

buried deep, but not deep enough

to keep the rain from washing the worms away

from wasting flesh and worn out wanderings

amongst these burial grounds, 

collecting dharma in leaflet pages

spread out across your southern sky, 

to realize the whole of nature, 

the throbbing of reality, 

thunderous and utterly alone

spoken suddenly to the edges of what our eyes fathom, 

no less than yesterday.

Hungry Ghosts

      In the Buddhist tradition, a Hungry Ghost is a ghost with a massive belly but an unbearable small throat. Hungry Ghost want to eat to fill the hunger of their monstrous bellies but their throats are so small that enough food never goes through. So, they are constantly hungry, constantly seeking to fill the void that is their stomachs, but they never do get enough.

   

In case you haven’t cottoned on quite yet, this is a pretty precise parallel to us, the human race.

Especially in our “see it, need it now” society, in which we are always looking outside our lives and saying “That over there, if I have that, I would be happy.”, “Once I have enough money to do this, I will be happy.”, “If I lived there, I’d be happy.”

   

    We hardly ever focus on the moment of our lives in which we are currently residing. We hardly ever look around us and appreciate the copious amounts of blessings that are poured on us daily. We hardly ever look around us and appreciate the people in our lives for who they truly are instead of whom we expect them to be, or appreciate the trees in our yard, the sky above our heads, the food we eat, our ability to keep breathing from moment to moment, our ability to think and to feel, and we almost NEVER appreciate ourselves.

    The monster that is consumerism is constantly whispering in our ear, saying ‘You are not complete, you are not enough.” They do this so that we will buy more things, to fill our hungry void. Because we look around at our possessions and we believe they define us, we believe that these things are truly ours, that because we have them, our life is improved, that WE are improved.

       

       Realize your hungering, your desires to add more and more to your life as an attempt to BE more. And before you act on these hungerings, stop. 

Breathe. 

Look around you. Look at how the sunlight hits the artwork in your living room, look at how the wind lightly rustles the trees in your yard. Look at the people around you, look at how they smile, how they laugh, their little quirks that make them so uniquely them, and realize your unconditional love for them without expecting them to be a certain way. Look at yourself, look at each part of your body and realizing all the things those body parts allow you to do, realize that this beautiful body is a vessel for your soul, that it doesn’t need to be ten pounds lighter to serve you well, it is doing a damn great job as it is, and how it looks rarely corresponds to how well it does its job. Look at your spirit, your true self, realize your brilliant attributes, realize your many talents, realize your patience, or your inherent generosity, or your artistic ability. Realize that you have all of these things in rich abundance. 

             

             You are not in need. Feel how full your life is, savor the richness of your being. Then feel that hungering void fade away. Because you don’t need that purse to be the caring person you are, you don’t need to move to find meaning or substance, you don’t need the newest Apple product to be a beautiful being, you don’t need those shoes to enjoy spending time with your friends, to enjoy a thunderstorm, to enjoy being able to exist, to revel in the brilliance of this human experience.

      You have all you need, your throat is reasonably sized as well as your stomach. You don’t not need to add and consume more and more. You need to take away. You need to remove all the insubstantial things that block the spring of wellness and joy in your life. You need to give up t.v. time and enjoy your children’s playful presence. You need to give up spending $50 on a night out drinking, and enjoy the movements of your body as it dances the night away. You need to give up shopping sprees and enjoy a cup of tea, good music, a walk in the park, a craft brunch with friends.

                  You don’t have to be a hungry ghost. You don’t have a void to fill, so when you add, add, add and consume, consume, consume, you just end up drowning and suffocating in a sea of things, a sea of hunger, a sea of never being satisfied; a tide so high that you cannot see the vibrant sky, the openness of being open to all things, of accepting all things, or appreciating all things; the peace of being entirely full on what you already have.

Spring Time!

I have been regretfully without internet for some time. I am typing this in a bagel shop! I have recently had a shift in spiritual consciousness and am expanding on so many ideas and experiences. But this blog isn't about that. I may post a nice long elaborate blog about it all someday. But right now, it's just sprouting, not yet a fully bloomed flower. But I didn't want to leave you guys high and dry for too long, so here are some pictures of spring delightfulness!

 A pendant I made!

 Enjoying Sutton Park!

 The softest grass ever!

I hope you all are doing lovely and enjoying the beautiful spring weather!

The Human Experience

Something I wrote in my notebook. I think a lot about what I call "The Human Experience" and all it's wonders.

"All of these people look like they take their lives so seriously; their jobs, their relationships, their appearance, how they are perceived by others. I hope to never take myself so seriously. Actually, I make it a goal to not take my life so seriously. Why do we act like everything is peachy and sparkly? (Granted, at times, it certainly can be!) The human experience is dark and dirty, painful and yet unceasingly magical and brilliant. But the pain, the shadows, the sweat of the dark pits; that is part of the beauty, and it's worth acknowledging."

I don't want to take my relationships seriously. We are human, infinitely flawed. Why harbor deep anger when someone messes up? The anger hurts us more than it hurts them. Troubles are not the end of friendships, and laughter is always appropriate, even in the darkest of times. I don't want to take my appearance seriously. I am a mess eighty percent of the time. I am chubby (I like to call it soft, personally.), my teeth are not perfect, my skin is all kinds of weird; but why should I care?  I never want to take how people perceive me seriously. People could know me for 20 years and still only know the smallest part of me. Such an immense portion of human interaction is shallow, skin deep, the tip of the iceberg. Why should I care what others think of me when they don't even know me? I am weird, I screw up, I say the wrong things at the wrong time, I hurt people, I can be closed off, I am confusing, I am definitely confused. I feel dark and weird things, I am a mess, I am a wreck of passions, desires, love, hurt, pain, fears, magic, dreams, kindness, ignorance, intelligence, and so many feelings that I don't believe most of them have names.

And I don't take any of that too seriously. It's just me, my human experience. It ebbs and flows as I continue breathing. I don't hide it, I don't try to change it. I just be it, as freely as I can. I experience until I don't anymore. I think being serious and safe so we can reach death emotionally and mentally whole, in tact, never experiencing anything scary or damaging, is a great disservice to our human experience. I would much rather arrive at the end covered in mud, blood, and sweat, out of breath, emotionally torn to shreds, facing every imaginable fear face on, sword in hand. THAT is the human experience. It is real, raw, and terrifying. It's not houses, it's not stable income or stable emotions, it's not Hollywood, or Hollywood perfect romances. It's the fight, the grit, the dark, the abyss within us that we fear to enter because it houses the swirling chaos of human experience.

And it's beautiful, bright, and brilliant. And it's happening, right now. It's the swelling music, the caress of the wind, the salt of the sea, the howl of the wolf, the pang of lingering memories, the soaring feeling in a great kiss, the dark hours where our demons reside, the smile of our most beloved. We can hide from it, we can ignore it. But it is us and we are it. And that is worth acknowledging, accepting, appreciating, and admiring.

Welcome to the human experience. Are you afraid? You definitely should be. And then you should punch that fear in the face.

the haze that comes in waves

trampoline white,
as stark as a flower in the falling rain,
following the dusty storm,
lightness cloud and mist in the mirror,
skin meeting water, fullest of forgotten being,
no feeling of whereabouts within,
moments shuddering in waves of gone and not really there but looking around,
blinking, no sleeping, waking in the waves of sound,
lapping waves of music surrounds, pressing upon my being,
it's getting less, i've been duped,
surrounded by the smoke, lost within the lasers of lights,
pressed between the wall and your hips moving against mine,
never what i expected it to be,
losing myself in the hold your lips have on me,
sweet voice, sweet name, sweet returnings to reality,
new beginnings, lack of sleep to carry me onward,
for stepping on the glass,
why is writing more important than spelling when i know it's happening,
it feels less over time, over lapping words sprung from some spring
of my eye always hurting,
in the desert, please read my words,
in response, so it's not for naught,
to stand on the edge of the ledge and not feel fear anymore,
sailing over lungs in knots we tie together,
gypsy vapors, swim within me, my mind at ease, at her leisure,
in forgotten mason jars, thoughts in ebb and flow,
areas of stone beneath my feet against the wind,
at the window sits a crow beneath the scattering colors of the sky,
silence bears the grey morning,
the haze is fading, growing brighter in my mind to such disappointment,
waterfalls of twinkling sunshine stars,
ringing out bells of the death, wandering about town,
so as to say, not existing.
i hope i make it, i wonder how to act within myself,
to win the lady's heart,
the altogether soft under the boyish veil,
if she discovers with her limbs,
i could relax a thing or two,
the rising of tensions against the skin and radiating, warming,
escaping, little moans, what is heard besides your breath in the night,
little death,
bright and cold as the moon shining the way,
casting light out loud, things whispered, to be complete,
rising higher on some secret spectrum,
i can move more easily and think the clearest thoughts
before the haze carries me to settled sleep within myself.

"..for Quickbeam often laughed. He laughed if the sun came out from behind a cloud, he laughed if they came upon a stream or a spring: then he stooped and splashed his feet and head with water; he laughed sometimes at some sound or whisper in the trees."- "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" by J.R. Tolkien.

I read this and instantly jotted down the words so I could remember them! Quickbeam is an Ent, and for those that are not down with the LOTR universe, Ents are tree-like creatures that look after the trees! They are one of my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings; they are old, wise, they think a long time before acting or speaking, and they care deeply for the earth. And Quickbeam reminds me a lot of the person I try to be! I don't always make it, and a lot of times I just get caught up in my own troubles and worries that I don't take time to notice anything around me. But I do try to notice the little things and to appreciate them. I enjoy watching a dog play in the snow, or appreciating the form of a pretty rock, or looking up to see the stars instead of focusing on getting to where I am going. Because, really, it's the going that really matters, not the arrival. I think the world would be a much happier, brighter place if we could all appreciate the small things around us. If we could laugh at the sun warming our skin and the stream bubbling along merrily, or the sound of the wind, or the bark on the trees, or the falling of snow. Even for a few minutes, if we could step outside our troubles and worries about bills or work or chores or errands or the future or the past or our weight or our fears or our social anxiety or our relationship problems. If we could just let it go for a moment, and just get lost in a snowflake, or a bee collecting pollen, or the notes of a song, or the sound of pen against paper, or the strokes of colors in a painting; if we can get lost in the beauty of things, for just a moment, I think we could form the habit of always finding something to laugh about, to appreciate, even in the darkest of times. It's certainly worth a try! Even keeping a little notebook and pen and writing down all the things that you notice throughout the day that make your heart a little lighter. I think when we return to our worries and troubles, they will feel slightly lighter and seem a little smaller. I hope you all find bountiful things to laugh at and appreciate in the coming days! I hope we can laugh at the streams of goodness in our lives and splash around in them with reckless abandon and joy, without fear or judgement! These moments will strengthen us anew with hope, so that we can make the world around us even brighter! So, I guess to sum it all up, cherish these moments, let yourself experience true joy; because the world needs you at your most bright and brilliant! And you wouldn't want to let the WORLD down, would you? Hmmmmmm?!

Current Faves

I don't have the energy or thought to put into a super awesome inspirational blog right now.
I most sincerely apologize, you deserve better from me!
But I do feel like posting something, anything!
So here are favorite things right now!

Blog: http://castlesintheair.org/ (She is an amazing traveling minimalist that writes so passionately that you can't help but be inspired to greatness!)

Song: "Eli, the Barrow Boy" by The Decemberists (I've been playing it on the ukulele! :D)

Show: How I Met Your Mother (I am on season four! It is so hilarious, I burst out laughing quite often!)

Snack: Grilled applesauce sandwiches! (Seriously though. So tasty!)

Craft: Crocheting! (I am kind of getting better, but I mostly stick to things without shape, like scarves and headbands. But I am exploring different yarns and needles!)

Piece of clothing: My blue hooded jacket. (I wear it when I sleep, when I am awake, I wear it at work. It is getting nasty fast, but I love it so!)

Artist: Torn between http://thienbao.deviantart.com/ and http://liga-marta.deviantart.com/. (Both are so inspiring and magical!)

Thing about Boulder right now: The planetarium! (Laser light shows to so many great bands and for a cheap price! A great way to spend a Friday night!)

Book: Lord of the Rings (I am reading them for the first time and I get entranced within the world so easily! Just brilliant!)

Let's Talk Dirty

"Some of the happiest people in the world, go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day." -God (as played by Morgan Freeman), Bruce Almighty

I love this quote because it specifically reminds me of my dad. When I was a kid, my dad worked on a pig farm. And we would wait up for him to come home from work. And when he did, he smelled. Bad. Really bad. And he was dirty. But we were still excited to see him and he was excited to see us, and just as jolly as usual. If I ever smell that lingering pig farm smell again, I will instantly think of my childhood and my dad, being happy to get home to his kids, and smelling like pig crap.
Because happiness doesn't come from smelling good, or being clean. We associate success with clean cut business suits and shiny shoes and shiny cars and shiny houses and a shiny happy family, with shining smiles, straight out of Pleasantville.
But that's not real!
Office jobs, writing reports, fancy suits, expensive watches, perfect people with perfect lives, shiny cars, big houses with big t.v.s, shiny credit cards, those aren't real life.
Life is not a pristine experience, it is not soft, it is not shiny, it is not clean, it is not perfect, symmetrical, or fancy.
Real life is waking up to the human experience. It's dirty, and frantic, and confusing, it's an array of every emotion often felt at the wrong time. It's filled with imperfect people. It's filled with courage and hope, and shadows and pain, love and rage. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. But it's the most magical thing. It defies logic, it's beyond our comprehensions, it's filled to the brim with miracles and it's reaches from the pits of human weakness to the peak of human compassion. And we are everywhere in between, winding on this chaotic path with a frenzy we don't understand.
One time Loveknob and I were walking and he laughs as he points out that he walks around the mud, whereas I just stomp on through it. And I am like "Yeah! No mud is going to stop me from walking wherever I damn well please!" And it doesn't. When I look to paths I wish to take, the paths that really make my heart jump and my spirit ache for movement, they are not crystal clear. They are not void of mud or obstacles or jagged rocks or flesh eating turnips. They look scary, menacing, intimidating. But I will come out on the other end, triumphiant, my mind weary, my muscles aching, my eyes barely staying open, my feet barely taking the next step, with scratches on my skin and mud caked in my hair, and somehow, completely covered in pig crap. And I will be victorious. I will feel brighter, my smile will be stronger, my laughter uproarious, my tears will be of pure inexpressible joy. I will be the happiest me that has yet existed and I will smell to high heavens at the end of the day.

What I Wrote: Friday the 13th

Write uninhibited, unabashed, unforgiving, unspectacular, unnoticed, unapologetic, unsatisfied, unseen, unregretful, voiceless, powerless, with the deepest tones of magic; pure untattered, untarnished magic.

The magic of the dust in the eyes of the universe, energy of the spoken word, lapping through space in waves, ebbing and flowing, arching new openings to some other wonderland we keep dreaming about; brought to life by the edge of our fingertips, the warmth of human touch, the growing light that flickers through the winds of the storm but never goes out.

Write in chaos, sprawled across the walls of the world, the skin we live in, the sky that keeps us locked away.
Write in colors across the canvas, depicting this internal dance of demons and anger and a drumbeat that matches our marching hearts, stomping out a cadence, an eternal symphony, an empty orchestra that sets the stars in song and we cry at the words we can not comprehend.
And we search, we search for the meaning, we search for the truth, we search for some comfort or some chaos or some air to breathe besides these broken bones.
And for infinity we search, never growing weary, never losing hope, never closing our eyes without seeing seeing the bright horizon.
We carry on, we hold on hope, we fail to falter, we believe.
If ever there was something to be remembered for, if all else is lost and but one word remains, then let us rest in peace, never forgotten, brought to life on the lips of every being that says
"I believe."