Sunday, December 13, 2009

don't drop your arms

This has been a difficult fall and winter,
with an unexplainable event and many unexplainable departures from my life, I've been left feeling numb, lost, confused, alone, worthless, invisible, and unloved.
I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live.
I settled for not feeling anything, not caring, not loving.
If I did something, it was without passion, I was going through the motions.
If i felt something, it was probably anger.
My body didn't feel right, it was in constant discomfort.
The feeling drove me to doing really bizarre things.
My spirit has been in disarray.
His presence was there, His breathing was vibrating the air around me.
but when I reached out, He was always just outside the brush of my fingertips.
Could never quite slip into the peace, the arms, the stillness,
where I desperately wanted to be.
I wrote a poem about what happened to me
and in it I said "Where is my God? Why can't He make me better?"
When I read that again, sometime later, the first answer I thought was
"Because I don't believe He can"
I was waiting for relieve that I didn't even believe would be delivered.
Once again, I was a walking contradiction.

It's still in process, I have a long path of healing in front of me.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

my hands are weaker than myself

it was so softly that i stepped into the night
knowing that the bitter air would settle in my lungs
and push out all the feelings
but for now it's all so casual,
just walking a musical walk
with hope still left in my heart.
my music is so gentle
as to not upset this fragile thing
still beating inside me
your minutes flee
i am still
for just a moment
it is overbearingly beautiful
to just be still
even with the cold air pressing in
getting closer
to letting everything go numb
a sidewalk with so much potential
if he would only walk this way
just walk this way
and be everything i've waited for
make it worth it
but i'm now so cold
the most beautiful harsh coldness
that i have ever experienced
caught within
oh, it fills me up
and surrounds me
and these bones inspire poetry
and i could float in this forever
but my hands are screaming
against the night air
to just release the pressure
just let up a bit
let a little warmth in
why are you so weak?!
why not let me linger
onto the little hope i have
as soon as my feet start moving
this feeling falls away
but you make the decision for me
as you are passing by
you do not see me do not see me
i should have screamed it
i should have let you see
the frenzy you've created
and what i've done for you
what i'd feel to be in your path
but you always thought i was so warm
and i've ruined that
my hands are screaming
release this pressure
as you turn away,
without the knowledge of my presence
my obvious presence
that screams against this cold cage
i could have walked miles
it felt that long
it felt like forever
that my legs were moving
but i couldn't even feel them
i didn't know i was capable
to move my legs in a direction opposite of you
how can you mean this much?
how can you be so bold?
my hands are screaming
i keep them in their fists
cause i know it will hurt more
when i unfold them
and i'm looking forward to it.
who could love this cold thing?
how would want to hold my freezing form?
the pool is reflected in my eyes
and in everything i could have dreamed of
the desire to just jump in is the strongest i have known
maybe i will float forever
i don't want to drown
i want to freeze to death
i want the waters to surround my frozen spirit
i want to feel that free for that little bit of time
but my hands are weaker than myself
and instead i return to the door
that brings me back to this senseless existence
a conundrum of repetition
and ever passing days
it's still so dark, still so early
and it's warm
i guess i should be glad
but the warmth that's penetrating
and pushing out the numb
is pushing out the hope for something better
all energy has fled my body
left motionless, silently protesting
the warmth settling into me
but my spirit doesn't settle here
purged by the exact musical moment
begins the symphony of letting go
and letting these tears fall
and not even sitting is good enough
the air is far too dense
with the glory of a Higher Being
the floor is where my body settles
my eyes can not be lifted up
and my body can not resist this gravity
my hands are weaker than myself
but they know so much more than me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

journeying is a dark, dangerous and beautiful thing

i have been on a journey.
i think some of you may have noticed the changes, the bad ones.
i have been gone, i have been dumb,
i have been angry, i have been numb.
i felt forgotten, closed off, used, invisible, alone, scared, betrayed.
i think people thought i was trying to make them feel guilty for what i was going through.
in all honesty, i was trying to hide it from everyone, but it escaped, and in an entirely incorrect light.
and it just made everything worse.
i felt like i was being judged for how i was feeling, for struggling.
i wanted to push everyone away.
i stopped feeling.
i was entirely numb.
i didn't want to love, i didn't think i could.
i didn't see the point.
i could not trust anyone.
i had so many questions, so many doubts.
and when i looked for answer, i only found more doubt.
i was afraid of what i would find if i kept looking.
i was afraid i would find that it's all a lie.
i have lived in fear.
which seems so unlike me!
this is not who i am.
i was always the one who cared too much, quick to forgive, too much love to know what to do with!
so alive, so free, so much hope.
how did i become so bitter? so empty?
and it's funny how the littlest things can make you see so clearly.
like taking a walk on a fall morning.
there is so much hope outside these walls.
i'm not just talking about my house, i mean this life i have built for myself.
i needed to get out of it for awhile.
i needed to find my own beliefs, my own purpose.
people keep telling me that if i have a purpose, i will feel better.
they talk about having a job or going to school, knowing my career.
i have never been one to really care about my career.
i don't see that as my life. i see my loved ones as my life.
and i know that the reason i have been lost, is not a lack of knowing what i want to do,
but the lack of knowing my place in the lives of those i love.
they are where my purpose lies, not my job.
i have felt misplaced, which made me pull away, which made me absent, which made me misplaced.
a most dark and hurtful cycle.
alas, i have been gone.
i have not been myself.
i have not been a friend at all.
but it was a good cause.
i needed to go through this.
i needed to journey.
it sucked, i am not going to lie, there were times when i felt as if my chest was being crushed under all the pain. it was painful, dark, and scary.
but it was worth it and entirely necessary.
i don't feel like i should hide my struggles, no one should.
i'm sorry if it makes people uncomfortable.
i do not share to place blame on others for my struggles, or make them feel guilty for not helping.
i do not expect anyone else to fight my battles, but i don't see why i can't share them as well.
i am not afraid to share who i am, even the dark parts, or what i am going through.
i am done living in fear, especially the fear of how others will think of my actions of thoughts.
my true loved ones will support me.
i am not perfect, i am not going to feel guilty for feeling alone or scared sometimes, even when surrounded by friends.
i am not going to feel guilty for needing to get away sometimes, to step outside of my life to find myself, to understand more fully.
i am only human. and i think more people should act like they are.

Friday, August 21, 2009

the majesty of tunderstorms

the lightning lives when you speak.the clouds mold beneath your touch.
your power thunders in the sky,
works of majestic wonder and beauty
brought forth from your imagination,
spoken into life.
the lightning shows your glory,
the thunder proclaims your wonder,
the very storms obey you.
who can deny your majesty
when it is written in the skies?
i gladly woship the maker of skies,
the creator of storms,
almighty and powerful is my amazing God!