Thursday, December 16, 2010

i would buy myself a grey quitar and play

I am listening to Counting Crows right now.
I will alwayssss love them!
I never really have an urge to listen to them all the time, and can go months without listening to them.
But it always seems that they re-enter my life exactly when I need them most.
I will never forget the first time I really heard them.
In acting class, when my first HUGE crush lip synced "Mr. Jones" for music day.
And that was what, 7 years ago?
Wheeeeeew. Craziness.
It's really, really odd to think about how far I have come in life. The insane ups and downs that only I know of, the drama with friends, the ones that left and the amazing ones that had hearts big enough to love me no matter what, the hearts I've broken, the heartbreak I've been through, the self-searching, my reliance on others, my years of feeling lost, numb, extremely confused. I hate how complex I am, how I never seem to know what I want, that I don't get things right away, that I don't have things all figured out...actually no. Scratch that.
I really, really love who I am. I am very confused and have exceptionally little figured out, but I am very happy. Probably more happy than a lot of people that have so much figured out. Not all who wander are lost. I definitely don't feel lost anymore. I don't feel like I am living in the shadow of others, I feel like a real and actual person. And maybe not one other soul around me will notice me, or my worth, but for some reason, I know it doesn't matter. I just know that I feel such passion for life, for existing, for love, that nothing and no one can damper it. And everyday, I struggle to see the light and not feel numb, everyday it's a battle. And it's not always easy. But at least I have the ability to fight. And that in itself is a beautiful thing.
Anyways, not a whole lot is going on with me lately, working and hanging out with friends, nothing too out of the ordinary. I am pretty content with being pretty boring, actually. I am preferring the quiet in life right now.
I usually include pictures but I am feeling kinda lazy tonight. Soooo sorry, maybe in the next post.....two months from now? Haha!

Friday, October 1, 2010

costume rant

So, my brother and I went to the Halloween store in the mall to look at costumes. about 80% of all the costumes were women costumes. And 95% of those were extremely revealing .The ones that were not, were plus size or creepy old lady ghost mummies.
I was vastly disappointed in the selection. Then we went to Wal-Mart, where I saw a Princess Peach costume in the girl's section. I then saw a Mario costume in the men's section and thought "Then SURELY they have a Peach costume in the women's section!" But alas, they did not.
I can not be Princess Peach or a modest forest fairy or even a modest NUN!
But as a woman, I do have the plentiful options of being: a revealing cheerleader, a revealing nun, a revealing fairy, a revealing pirate, a revealing nurse, a revealing  clown, a revealing native american, a revealing witch, and a revealing Hogwarts student. 
For crying out loud! I am a 22 year old with a normal [non-porn star] body that wants to go to Halloween parties [not strip clubs] and hang out with my friends [not film pornos in the back of vans!]
I would still like to be able to buy a fun costume and not wear a trash bag and sweatpants and go as a hobo.
Guys get awesome costumes! Darth Vader, Indiana Jones, Ninja!
But someone, somewhere thought "Let's only make revealing women's costumes! Because what woman doesn't want to be freezing on Halloween night!"
It's just extremely frustrating.
These two sites had some scary stuff to share about the sexism of Halloween costumes.

Here are some pictures from one site, comparing men costumes to women costumes:

It's absolute insanity! And pretty sickening!
I'm just a regular girl who wants the option of buying a non-revealing costume.
And I think it is beyond ridiculous that such an option doesn't really exist.
Infuriating, actually.

Monday, September 13, 2010

when i die

With my grandpa dying and everyone wanting to do things their way, I decided I would say a few things I definitely want and hope my loved ones will respect when I die. I don't plan on dying until I am at least 98, so these won't be necessary for a looong time. But I can't help but think about them.
I think it would neat to have a slide show or something with "Into the West" by Annie Lennox playing. Sounds a little weird, right? Here are the lyrics:

"Lay down, your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling.
You have come to journey’s end.
Sleep now, and dream
of the ones who came before.
They are calling,
from across a distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see.
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms, you’re only sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
All souls pass.

Hope fades,
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don’t say,
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling.
You and I will meet again.
And you’ll be here in my arms,
Just sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.
And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
Grey ships pass
Into the West."

I feel like everything I would want to say to my loved ones after I die is in this song; that I am being carried home, that they should not weep, that one day we will meet again. And it is just this beautiful, haunting song.
And then I would want Jill to say some things about me.
And I want everyone to be given wands. And after the speech, I want everyone to lift them up in the air, like they did for Dumbledore.
Then I want glow sticks thrown about and a dance party to ensue because I am in HEAVEN!
I am not joking. This is for real.
And I want to be cremated and my ashes to be buried/thrown somewhere I love, my favorite place, which I don't think I know what that is yet. So let's just say the ocean for now.
But I still want a tombstone, in Norman. That says something really neat, like "now i settle in to watch the universe flow by." or maybe something a bit more off, a Dumbledore quote, or maybe Lil Wayne. Who knows. Something kind of quirky, you know? Like "Robyn Lynn Mitchell: beloved daughter, friend, and cabbage." or something more profound like "Stand Unafraid". So, obviously, that part needs some finalizing.
Anyways, this may have been a downer. Hope not. Heaven awaits.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

listening to emery on a sunday night

I am 22. I see life as a playground, an art piece, an incredible, miraculous chance to create beautiful things. I love red hair. I love swimming. The ocean calls my spirit. It might be my spirit. I think God reaches me through the clouds. He shows himself so clearly in them. I love thunderstorms. I love lightening. I love good music and singing at the top of my lungs. I like the ukulele. I like turtle, foxes, wolves, and owls. I have dreams about alternate realities and future Utopian societies. I get bored with my hair about every month and change it often. Material wise, I think less is best. But I still buy so much jewelry. Apple's hold over America's hearts and souls really annoys me. I love writing poems. I feel like it is more like the universe saying something through me and less like me saying something to the universe. I like Zen. It helps connect to creation, the universe, the Creator, and all existence. I'm still looking for my place in the world. I don't mind the journey. I like massage therapy. I like smelling like sunflower oil all the time. I like going to shows. I feel at peace at shows, it's a place my spirit feels at home. I love being nerdy. I love Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, anime, ect. I love Asian culture, especially Japanese. I love dreads and tattoos. I love watercolors. I love my friends, my true friends, that are more a part of my spirit than anything else. I love people that inspire me. I like the 30s, hippies, steampunk, mythical beings and faeries. I like musicals. I like contradictions. I like chaos. I like feeling infinitely small in the universe, yet a part of the universe, which is infinitely everything. I am an ever changing current, flowing through existence. And I love being.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

random thoughts

I just felt like writing a blog.
I don't have anything of importance to say.
But I am at work and extremely bored and someday I can look back and know what I was thinking at this exact moment in my life, no matter how mundane.
So that is neat.
I think I am moving into a tent this Tuesday-ish. In Elvis's backyard. I don't really feel excited, I am worried about rides to work. It is mostly for saving money and doesn't really feel like an adventure but maybe it will be!
I am ready for some spiritual growth, I just need to allow myself to let it happen.
I am always closing myself off to it, I don't know why. And I don't feel like thinking that much to dig deep and find the reason why.
Less thinking and more doing, if I know what I need to do to make existence make sense.
And my existencing is fighting against it, and I guess that is life. And it's all alright.
I like condradictions.
I pretty much have a general plan.
It goes something like this: live in a tent, work at Courtyard, save monies, visit Jill in Korea, stop living in a tent because it will probably be too cold, attempt to save money whilst living at home [we will see], get license/a car, save up more money, move to Boulder, possible work for a Marriot there, find a cheap place to live, go to school for massage therapy, take national exam, figure out where I want to go from there.
But I'm not holding tight to anything, life is ever changing. Who knows when I might have some exceptional experience that makes me want to go down an entirely different path.
Speaking of exceptional experiences, I am really jazzed to see 30 Seconds To Mars.
I have always kind of listened to them, but it is only in the last month that their music has become part of my life.
I have a feeling it is going to be a really incredible, intense experience.
I still don't know if I believe in romantic love or if I, personally, hold the ability to make it exist.
If I didn't, I wouldn't be sad, I just don't know if I do, so it makes things difficult.
But I did a lot of thinking the other day, about past relationships and many guys come and gone, the things I enjoyed, the things that destroyed me, bored me, and annoyed me. And mostly, I just want someone who inspires me. In every way. Someone who interests me and keeps me interested, keeps me excited about life and new experiences and learning, and inspires me to be the best kind of me I can be, not for their approval, but because they make it so enjoyable, having them there for the ride. And someone that finds me interesting, I think that is the hardest part. This is absolute babble.
Well, I know I haven't experienced anything like that yet. I know I mostly feel like I don't have much to offer, nothing exciting, nothing that different from anyone else in the world. And there are a lot of girls in the world.
I mostly feel like a duller shade of the exciting people that I know.
And it isn't a top priority. I just know that part is really important to me, the inspiring thing, if that romance thing ever presents itself. But I definitely agree with the love is friendship set on fire then. So I am definitely not stressed about it.
I am pretty content by myself and actually prefer right now.
I think that is another thing, I am selfish. I can not imagine having to give my life to another person, intertwining everything together, losing me. And having to care for another person, having to worry for another person, having to care about what another person is feeling, thinking, feels toward you, ugh. It's all so complicated. And it seems so tiresome. And all of that, for the rest of your life. But not just your life, your life TOGETHER. You don't have YOUR life anymore. AH! I don't know.
I don't know why I bother to think about it, it just stirs up a whirlwind of confusion in my mind and heart.
Anyways, I am going to stop this blog now. Sorry if you read this, it's all babbleness. And lots of it.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

enough writing

haha. so much for that once a week blogging ideal, eh?
that was, for lack of a better phrase, and epic fail.
but that's quite okay. it's all okay.
because i am still me, in my reality, in the universe, with my Creator at my side.
and i am existing.and i still feel like a lot of times, i am wasting such existence.
i always write about these ideals, these plans. but mostly just fall in the cracks or my own chaos.
daily life is tiresome, i just need to find a joy in every moment, and i am trying.
and trying, the struggle, makes me feel very alive. and to feel like you are fighting for something, to feel alive, is such an awakening and satisfying feeling.
and to exist in all of this whilst be surrounded by the Creator's splendor, the same Creator that created you, you just feel connect and beautiful and like your existence, if even to yourself, is special. i don't really know what i am babbling about. my pores just pour out positivity and possibility.
in reflection of my last post, goals are good. but really, i am bad at them. or time limits, i think.
i just have this feeling of ease inside me, that everything i need to experience will happen, in it's own time.
but i am existing with the concieved notion that i will live a long life. and i pray that i do.
here i am, being attached to being human again, but really, i think on my life, and i see myself in older years, experiencing great things, living fully until 90 or so. i know it's wrong, but if it's cut short, i will feel my life as incomplete, even though i'm sure feelings of bitterness and discontent won't exist when i die.
so, i really should be doing things i enjoy as often as possible, and work towards living a life i desire now, since it may be over before i wish it to be. but at the same time, be at peace with the things that may not be experienced, and not stress over them, or feel loss, like a life less lived. and just live with ease, creating a life i enjoy, but at my own pace. i guess, i just don't want any moment to be some boring prologue to a "real" moment in my life, you know?
wow. i really am not certain that made any sense. i didn't mean to write all that, really. but i feel i needed to say it, i think. i definitely don't feel like deleting it. maybe it will make sense to me sometime in the future, and it means something know. mostly just my chaos reality written out.
i meant to just write a small thing about my life list. things i want to experience before i die.
here are a few:
see the aurora borealis
live on a boat
walk across the u.s.
visit japan, egypt, ireland, new zealand, many others
learn to surf and snowboard
start a tent village
write many books!
fly on a plane
take a train somewhere
bungee jump
live in a tree in the woods
make a documentary
make a movie in general/be in a movie
learn to play the melodica, the harmonica, guitar, and probably more weird, world instruments
play a show with or in a band
go skinny dipping
and more. much more. but there, that is some of them.
and i guess the point is, i keep viewing my life in the future. like "once i go to school and get a real job, THEN i can do this." or "once i've experience more or learned all about how to do this certain thing, THEN i'll do it."
and it's just a cage i build on my own existence. and certainly, i am comfortable in my own existence.
but i am wasting it. and it's wasting me. so let's pray, everyone pray, that i take each moment as a chance to enjoy existing and to stop wasting time and energy on comfort, when there is so much experience. and reletively so little time to experience it.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

lights and stuff

I FRICKIN LOVE RECYCLED ART! It's all this stuff that I would have never even thought to reuse as art! My favorites are things that are turned into lights or chandeliers! I need to push myself to be this awesome!

This guys is really cool cause he uses trash to make this awesome shadows!

found art/random items made into lights!

^^^those are microphones!
See, I always throw my bad paint brushes away! I never thought to make something with them!

This is probably my favorite chandelier, it's all glasses!

This is really cool to me! I want these in my room, if I had an indoor tree...

That's it for now. Not much to say really. I am thinking of starting a natural remedies blog because it's an interest of mind. But not many people read this and I think even less would read that. But who knows, maybe just for something to do. I have also decided to go to school for massage therapy, I have researched it A LOT and definitely feel it's what I should do right now. I have realized a type of limit I set for myself. It seems that society kind of places this idea that you have to pick one thing you love most [or makes you the most money] and you have to learn that and nothing else and just do that forever. And I know, for a fact, that I just can not do that. I want to do so much, and if all goes well, I will have a long life to do everything I dream of. I want to be a massage therapist, travel, write, get published, start a venue or something, make art, etc. And I refuse to settle for one. Life is our play ground, we don't get to be here again, we don't get to be human again. We only get to experience this Earth and everything it has to offer once [as far as I know....]. And so we have to do everything we want and everything we love. I guess I had a lot to say after all. Love you guys!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

stop crying your heart out

I think Oasis knows what they are talking about.
Lately, all of my Zen has fallen out of my heart and blackness has taken it's spot.
I think I have seen enough of Norman, OK and these four walls I have been in all these years.
I am not complaining, it is poison.
Speaking of the phrase "stop crying your heart out", I am torn. Torn between the desire to live passionately, crying out in joy and love, in all senses "crying my heart out", being radical, being heard, being felt. Or being quiet and wise, like Asian monks, up in the mountains, who only speak when they have something entirely profound to say that they have been thinking on for days. Is the first option a choice of folly? But I feel like this world is so loud, you must be radical to be heard.
Or maybe it is silence that draws the most attention, because it is so rare.
I am torn between my heart being on fire and having a gentle spirit. I simply can not decide.
I think the only thing I can do is choose to be a woman of peace, trying constantly to do everything in love, renouncing hatred, doing everything in the name of my Creator, to be in His hands, and to spread hope to everyone I meet. I desire, more than money, more than acceptance, more than meeting Neil Gaiman, to be that person. I know I am so far off, I know I have let myself get so far off track, but I am not in despair. Not one being is too lost.
This summer, the desire to live outside has come to me, kind of out of nowhere. But it has crept in and is constantly gnawing at me. I fell as if my spirit in need of growth and these four walls are caging it in. I want to live on the bare essentials. I have never held society's ideals of going to college, getting a decent job, living well off, nice house, ect. ect. My dreams, my stories, my spirit, has never desired that lifestyle and I can no longer feel sorry about that. As much as I enjoy facebook and fine eating and cute clothes, I don' need them and they distract me from real living. Me, in my body, living, in THIS world, this Earth that was created for us, to experience the beauties and wonders of nature, to experience the phenomena of human nature, interacting with one another with compassion and joy, on a different level that the day to day meetings as we go to school, go to work, working to advance their own status in society. Maybe I won't make some magnificent difference in this world, but to touch people's live for even a second, to make people see hope, to make people believe there is something bigger than what they wrap themselves in, to do my part, however little, to make this world even a fragment brighter, that is all I can hope to accomplish. I have come across two people that inspire me greatly, and have set in my heart a new desire. Dashiel Alsup is walking from the Florida to the Canadian border, he is in association with an organization called Soles4Souls. His blog is located here: The other is Matt Green, walking from New York to Oregon. He does not have any record to break or any cause. He just likes to walk. His website is loated here:
Reading their blogs, I want to cry at their stories of their meetings, the kindness of strangers, getting to know the downtrodden and heartbroken, and these same people still willing to help them out, even when they have nothing. It's extraordinary. I want to walk. I know that I couldn't do it alone. I would need a male companion. And I think who that happens to be is a really important factor and I am not certain I have meet them yet. So I am waiting and praying.
I want to sleep in sleeping bags, experience the short exchange between strangers that can last only minutes but can have a lifetime affect, that can light a spark and shed some light in the darkness. I want to experience having nothing, being looked down upon but never losing hope, never losing faith. I want to experience a world outside the one that society seems Hell bent on placing me in. Living in a treehouse/tent for now, is a small step. I am praying for strength to give things up, to be courageous, to not live in fear, to have the words to say what needs to be said, to repel the darkness and hate that can easily seep into my veins, to always keep my eyes and heart on my Creator, to know my purpose, my origin, my meaning. It is not always about the comfort that comes with a personal relationship with Him, more growth comes from the discomfort in the servitude of Him.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Ashlee Madison

how beautiful your creations, Lord,
how wondrous is the voice that escapes their throats,
how unending is the love leaving their hearts
[to reach us]
oh, the compassion that flows,
the faith that is shown.
blessed are the lives they touch,
Your beautiful creations.
how bright they shine in the sea of dark
how heartily they heal the broken in heart
oh, the songs they sing for You,
so that You might love a nation,
how they sing forever,
Your beautiful creations.

[we hadn't talked in years, but i still felt okay, knowing there was this beautiful light for Christ out there in this dark world. so, i am not angry or upset, personally. her time in my life was a blessing. but i'm sad for the world, it just got a little dimmer.]

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

black abyss, basically

i hate not being motivated to do anything.
and for the past month, that is where i have been.
in the past, when i have these phases, i eventually get a burst of inspiration and get all energized and passionate again. thus far, this time, it had yet to happen.
and really, as i look back, i have been unmotivated my entire life.
i want to blame my parents. it would be so easy to be a victim of my upbringing.
sure, i'm learning new things [sometimes] and enjoying life with my loved ones.
but really, i'm not going anywhere. i really don't feel like i have gone anywhere my entire life.
maybe there has been a few inward changes, but really, on the big picture of life, i have experienced very little, and grown even less.
and maybe this is just a blog drowned in self pity. and yes, really, that is what it is.
because, really, i do not feel like my existence matters. if i ceased to exist, nothing would change, people would fill that empty space with one of the other 6 something billion other people in the world, loved ones would go on living their lives, because i don't feel like i have changed anything or anyone. i do not make a difference. i have no purpose.
it seems like we are losing the battle. and i feel so helpless, because what can i do?
what can i do?
there is a being called a Twilmish, they are little faerie beings that kinda just float around as energy, not existing, until a sandcastle is built for them to live in, then they pop into existence.
and that is what i feel like, i am just floating around, without meaning, without matter, not really existing, just waiting....for something...that i don't even know, just waiting to finally exist.
but really, i guess i just really doubt that i ever will. or i fear that i never will.
and maybe it's all my fault, yes, i think it is.
i didn't try enough, i don't know what i want, i am a walking contradiction, i am fickle and weak.
how could i matter? i don't even really matter to myself.
i wasn't motivated to go to school, to find myself [whatever that means], to love, to grow.
i'm not motivated to live my own life, a real life. [that is not saying i want to die, that is just saying that i could probably live in a dark room for the rest of my life.]
i don't make an impression in this world, how could i?
i am not strong minded, i am not out going, i am not exceptionally kind, talented, loving, passionate...i'm not exceptionally anything.
maybe that is wrong to think, like saying God didn't create me good enough. but maybe I could be good enough, but i'm not motivated to be. an so it makes no sense, i really want to be someone, to live a life, i yearn for it, i want it so bad, but at the same time, i am unmotivated to?
i don't get it. i don't really get anything anymore. because i don't know how. i don't know how to really live, i don't know how to care more, love more, matter more, feel more, BE more.
i am so lost.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

extreme chaos of thoughts on "the zen commandments" by dean sluyter

I read "the zen commandments" by dean sluyter, it's not just for buddhist or based on any doctrine, it was more of how to be zen/practice zen in any religion, lifestyle, or believe. and i greatly feel that, in certain ways, applying zen to your standing religious believe has the potential for extreme spiritual growth. anywho, these were my thoughts i threw down whilst reading it, there's a lot, and they most likely make no sense at all, but that's life, innit? i suggest everyone read the book for themselves. i'm not suggesting everyone agree, but at least be open and choose what best makes up the kind of belief and practices you want in your existence. because life is only what you think it is.

freedom of openness is within you. and it is within you, not will be someday or if you can find it.
happiness is the nature of life itself.
"there's no such thing as a wave, no such limited,self-existence object.
"we can say it's not not anything that is but the is-ness by which all things are.
so the way to boundless experience is to not seek boundless experience beyond whatever presents itself"
stop pushing or pulling.

no need or point in waiting around for some transformation or revelation, doing is the revelation.
when we are not focused on filling our cup, our cup runneth over, if any spiritual progress or revelation doesn't increase our compassion for all beings then it doesn't mean a thing.
compassion is not pity, it is knowing and sharing. saints are merely humans as well, they are not higher beings sent from above, that lets the rest of us off too easy, saying "oh, we weren't made to be that way." saints are just average humans who point themselves in the direction of goodness and keep putting one foot in front of the other. it's not essentially about whether you give money to the beggar but the fact that you don't avert your eyes.

you must create your own perception of kindness, it is different for all, you can not simply reason an action with "the Bible tells me to", every person perceives it differently, everyone chooses their own path of direction and kindness, the honest thing to do is to acknowledge it.
we want someone with some appeal of higher authority to tell us right from wrong, tell us where to apply our kindness, where it matters and where it is pointless, it is a safety, and that sense of safety and comfort, and that can lead us to sleep.
a good exercise is to made a list at the end of the day of all your actions that you felt were positive. this will help you pay more attention to the intention of your actions and help you decide whether they really need to be done at all, or if they are done with the wrong intentions or have no intentions at all.
for instance, if you do something good but with the intention of being praised or even thanked, then you need to reassess your reason for acting. instead of seeking thankfulness for your actions, you should be thankful that the opportunity to be kind existed.
the most common image of buddha is that in which he holds a begging bowl in his left hand, passively open to the sky while his right hand touches the ground, actively engaging in the world of doing.
dean sluyter tells a story of his neighbor, whom he would hear laboring up the stairs as he attempted to practice zen through meditation. he would grow annoyed with being interrupted by his neighbor loudly carrying his groceries up the stairs that he would go help, but grudgingly, at being interrupted in his practice. finally he realized that this WAS the practice. no doctrine, religious practice, or enlightenment of any kind does any one any good if you keep to your room and practices and forget to share kindness with the rest of humanity, your fellow ocean.

there is samsara- life's basic chaos, and nirvana- boundless, indescribable freedom. enlightenment is not going from samsara to nirvana, but realizing that they will always coexist.
it is not a path of changing yourself and your life into something different.
but finding understanding within yourself to live in the chaos that is your life.
much like the wizard of oz can not give the classic group the things they ask, simply because they already posses them, but he can put them into the situations to bring forth what they desire. so our God has already placed in us the fruit of the spirits, our spiritual gifts, our tools for spiritual survival, we just doubt ourselves, and so we ask for God to supply us with "patience", "courage", "hope", even. while we have this to begin with, God can place us in the correct situation to bring them forth in front of our own eyes.

a lot of times, the turmoil of our life is within ourselves, not outside forces. when we realize that it is our reactions and feelings about life that define each moment, we can settle the storm within and realize that even while certain events are indeed tragic, we can weather them and recognize that it is just an event in life and many others, both great and tragic, will follow. our life can only be in shambles when we feel that it is in shambles. further more, realizing this can save much trouble. you can not run from how you feel about life. if you feel your life is terrible in one town, you will feel your life is terrible in a different town, with different people and different events. because those things do not make your life terrible, you thinking it's terrible makes it terrible. i may have gotten repetitive there, but it's a point i feel strongly about, being an avid optimistic myself.

feelings are things we feel, hence the name. they are spontaneous and there for simple. what isn't simple is the thoughts about what we are feeling. that's what makes us so beautifully and dangerously human. it is a wonderful thing to recognize why we feel certain ways and how feeling certain ways can cause us to act certain ways. however, if we focus on the reasons behind feelings, we can cause ourselves to suppress such feelings, which is physically painful, which leads to the assumption that such feelings are painful and should be suppressed. it's a cycle, see? the best thing to do with feelings is to feel them, not think on them, not act on them, but feel. this does not mean write a long blog entry or act out in anger by screaming or punching something, but by taking the time to let feelings run their course, you may find that the urge to act on them or even analyze them has disappeared. fully feeling "negative" feelings instead of dwelling and letting it consume, leaves open room to experience "positive' feelings. if that's how you want to see it, but really, there are no "negative" or "positive" feelings, there are just feelings. there can be feelings that erupt in response to positive or negative experiences, but feelings are just feelings. we can not BE happy or sad, we can only experiencing the feelings, but they are not us and we are never them. and there is extensive freedom in that.

if the bible says to not bow down to idols or "graven images", in some translations, could this not mean that holding onto how we believe things are, setting our believes in stone, is wrong? if we hold onto the way we believe things are, when the way things are is always beyond our understanding, we will surely be idolizing our own believes. i have seen people make the Bible an idol over God, as well as church. we can hold so steadfast to the image of our own God, refusing any other idea of Him, condemning others for alternative thoughts on Christ, when our image, idea, thought, belief of God is really just what we make of Him through personal experience and how can we logically expect anyone's personal experiences to be the same as ours, if you get what i'm saying?

there was a whole chapter on expectations, or the lack there of. basically saying, when you expect anything in life to be a certain way, it won't be and you will set yourself up to be disappointed. this doesn't just mean big plans for the future but every casual moment, every relationship, every action, we have have deep seated expectations on how each intimate moment with a loved one will happen, based on how they have happened in the past, we expect our gadgets to work as they have worked in the past, we expect our pets to love us as they have in the past, we expect ourselves to continue being alive as we have in the past. people are like rivers, you can stare at one part of a river, but it is never the same river each moment you look at it, the river you were just looking at is long gone. so, humans are as the rivers, ever-changing. titles such as "republican", "christian', or "feminist" are seen as a collection of things that a person is, but they are only ideals that a person holds at one time, and a person changes with each moment, so to expect a person to always hold the same believes or "be the same person" is a sure way to disappointment and disillusionment. the significant other you kiss in the morning is not the same significant other you have dinner with that night, people are like rivers.

another thing to avoid is anticipation, well, avoidance is rather difficult, maybe acknowledgment is better. you can anticipate confrontation, a busy work day, a kiss, getting home to your welcoming bed, an exciting party, as long as you realize that you are anticipating it and not focused on making it happen sooner. impatience is an incredible waste of time. when you are late for something, worrying about being late will not make you any less late. once i was late for a work meeting and had to wait for my brother to walk to our mother's work to get the car, i realized that i was anxious, my body tense, constantly alert for the car to pull up, then i realized that this was pointless, i was late, i was going to be late, and wishing the car to appear would not make it transit any faster, so all i could do was just to sit in that moment, and just be in it, instead of wishing for it to be another moment.

there is no path to enlightenment, you do not work toward it, it just is, in every experience.
there is enlightenment in enjoying the breeze, there is enlightenment in your lover's touch, there is enlightenment in chasing your messy toddlers around, there is enlightenment in being stuck in traffic, there is enlightenment in experiencing loss. and it is in the experiencing of the moment, not the end. starting a task is not to finish it, driving somewhere is not to get there, reading a book is not to finish it, closing your eyes is not to open them, each action is it's own, not a prologue for a coming action.

wishing ill and holding onto resentment for someone does nothing to the person you're resenting, but does terrible danger to yourself. let go.
bless everyone, that is not to say to stoop down and bless them with your benevolent enlightenment, but to recognize them as equal beings of light and energy and that they bless our own chaos with their being and presence, blessing is simply acknowledging that and wishing all their existence, whether in that moment of your presence or any moment outside it, is well. blessing is simply directing positive energy into the realm of another being, but not just any being, every being. which may seem difficult, and it is. for we are only small and the universe so vast, we can not give shelter to every homeless , but we can bless the one's we see. we can not feed every starving child, but we can bless them. a vegetarian in the hopes of stopping animal slaughters by refusing to eat meat will fail both in results and in the animals. sometimes the best you can do is bless the animal and thank them for existing and recognize that their life was forfeited to help continue yours. it is like the movie avatar, where the Na'vi thank every animal they must kill for food, because they recognize what that animal does for them, and that they are not so much greater and that the animal wasn't made for them, but that they need the energy of that animal and are thankful to have it. the same as you should bless each fish you catch for food, the wheat that makes your bread, the trees that form your paper and bed.

"all we know is all we know."
just as the Big Dipper is only stars that, in space, are vastly expanses away from each other and have no relation, but in our viewpoint, they are connecting as a picture of a dipper. everything is only as we view it. history is a completely different story, depending on who's telling it. i imagine that in japanese history classes, they do not teach the bravery of the american soldier in world war 2. life is what we think it is. death is what we think it is. the problem with defining everything only as we see, is that we don't see very much. we, as living creatures, see death as the ending or exiting of life. which, in our relation, is true. but on the other side of death, it would appear as something entirely different. as being "human", we see ourselves as the highest beings on this planet, and there for, to give anything else personality is to give it "human characteristics", when, beyond our sights and understanding, each existing thing could have it's own personality and will do very well without a human one, thank you very much. we are only as we see ourselves, we are holding up the stars that make us the constellation we see ourselves as. and in time, in life, our arms must grow heavy, and to drop the stars and let the constellation fall into chaos, and allowing ourselves to just be, is every peaceful. as attached as i am to the idea of a self, my own personal being, if i live always seeing my life and experiences through my self, i am only seeing a very small portion of my existence, or only seeing my pinhole version of the universe.

"be human and laugh", neither zen nor enlightenment is about taking things too seriously, or taking yourself or any situation that you experience too seriously. you should have goals and you should work hard, but doing anything without joy or meaning is a waste of time. treat everything you do as the last thing you could ever do, so, if you're with loved ones having the time of your life, be human and laugh, find joy in that experience as if it's your last, or if you are doing your taxes, cleaning, running errands, walking your dog, be human and laugh, enjoy that moment, find joy in the experience, and give every errand or chore meaning, otherwise they are not worth experiencing at all. [and obviously, chores are a necessary and unavoidable part of life, if you're a stand up, responsible person, so might as well make them as enjoyable as possible.]

always give thanks, there is never a reason not to.
if people could relax, be human, humble, and thankful, war would not exist. "enlighten up"
humans seem to think we have every right to exist, but the fact that we do exist [with thoughts, feelings, spirits, and souls] and get to experience existence is nothing but a miracle.
in the entire universe, in the entirety of all existence, each human is less than a speck, our experience of existence is of monumental occasion to us. the point being, it is only significant to us, ourselves, and that in it all, we [and our politics, laws, technologies, media, etc.] are of no significance. to realize that is freeing, to live your existence as significant as it is to you, but to be free of the burden to mean so much to existence. i guess, to sum it up, it can mean something to you to exist, but it means nothing to existence.

"no matter what we do, it will be completely unimportant but it is vitally important that we do it." life may be a dance that goes nowhere, unnoticed, and disappears, but it is here and it is happening, and if we can dance with joyous abandonment and passion, then it is the most beautiful and worthwhile dance of existence, even if it's only our existence.
"the unlived life is not worth examining."

enlightenment is less about the finding of your own great light or contentment, but the realization that everything exist and everything deserves your love, respect, and selfless servitude.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


I found a list of life truths. There are some missing because I didn't feel they were entirely true or necessary. But here is the list of life truths as I see it

1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.

3. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about whatever you’re talking about than you do.

5. Everyone likes somebody who gets to the point quickly.

6. Bad moods will come and go your whole life, and trying to force them away makes them run deeper and last longer.

7. Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be.

8. If everyone in the TV show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.

9. Yelling always makes things worse.

10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.

11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.

12. You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.

13. If you never doubt your beliefs, then you’re wrong a lot.

16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.

17. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.

18. Whenever you hate something, it hates you back: people, situations and inanimate objects alike.

21. Anger reveals weakness of character, violence even more so.

22. Humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive. And we are.

25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.

27. Nobody knows more than a minuscule fraction of what’s going on in the world. It’s just way too big for any one person to know it well.

28. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.

30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people.

31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.

32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.

33. Blame is the favorite pastime of those who dislike responsibility.

34. Everyone you meet is better than you at something.

35. Proof is nothing but a collection of opinions that match your own.

36. Knowledge is belief, nothing more.

37. Indulging your desires is not self-love.

39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.

41. Revenge is for the petty and irresponsible.

42. Getting truly organized can vastly improve anyone’s life.

43. Almost every cliché contains a truth so profound that people have been compelled to repeat it until it makes you roll your eyes. But the wisdom is still in there.

44. People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others.

45. High quality is worth any quantity, in possessions, friends and experiences.

46. The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic.

47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.

56. If anything is worth splurging on, it’s a high-quality mattress. You’ll spend a third of your life using it.

57. There is nothing worse than having no friends.

58. To write a person off as worthless is an act of great violence.

59. Try as we might to be otherwise, we are all hypocrites.

63. Casual swearing makes people sound dumb.

64. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.

65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.

66. Most of what children learn from their parents isn’t taught on purpose.

67. The secret ingredient is usually butter, in obscene amounts.

68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.

69. Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful as the experience of fearing them.

70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.

73. When you break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself.

74. A good nine out of ten bad things I’ve worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about.

76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.

78. There is no point finishing a book you aren’t enjoying. Life is too short for that. Swallow your pride and put it down for good, unfinished.

80. Breaking new ground only takes a small amount more effort than you’re used to giving.

81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors. Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.

82. One of the best things you can do for your kids is take them on road trips. I’m not a parent, but I was a kid once.

83. The fewer possessions you have, the more they do for you.

86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.

87. The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change.

88. Killing time is an atrocity. It’s priceless, and it never grows back.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

i wonder

why are we alive if we eventually stop living?
i'm not asking the meaning of life, really.
why fight so hard to stay alive when everyone will die.
why is death such a negative thing when it is the one certain thing we posses?
but maybe that's like asking "why drive a car if you eventually stop driving?"
the answer is obvious, to get somewhere.
maybe we are just getting somewhere.
except we have no idea where as it is hidden behind the black veil of death.
would we spend out lives differently if we knew what was behind that veil?
but i mean, what's the point of being human if, at some point, every person will stop being human.
i am not saying we should live like animals but i just wonder what being a human is for.
in this book i am reading, "The Zen Commandments" by Dean Sluyter, it says that to sacrifice your life for someone you love is to give up every food you've ever eaten, every sunset you've seen, every breath you've taken, all the knowledge you have worked to acquire.
which made me think, why do we think? why do we do anything?
to what purpose does it serve to want to know more. why is the search for answers and knowledge so innate within us when the knowledge we gain does nothing for us after death.
why do we experience emotions, why do we test our emotionally capacity through human relationships? who do we see sunsets? how does any of this help us when we die?
in the afterlife, in Heaven, it won't matter what bands we enjoyed, what books we read, what relations we had. is life just to be enjoyed, explored and then ended. everything we've gained, fought for, and experienced, coming to an end, never to come to use again.
don't get me wrong, i LOVE being alive and being humans. i find it extremely enjoyable.
but i feel like there most be a greater purpose to life than to just be enjoyed?
but from everything i've said, maybe that is the only purpose.
i'm not implying that life is meaningless, i am just curious.
why be curious when whatever you are curious about doesn't matter when you die?
it sounds morbid but i don't mean it to be.
i don't find death to be as morbid as most people, i don't know it well enough.
i guess i just see it was that veil.
i sometimes wonder if eternity is real.
i mean, i believe in Heaven and Hell, but i'm not sure if I believe in eternity in Heaven or Hell, because what's the point in that, really?
maybe God doesn't keep creating new souls, maybe he only creates new bodies.
that probably sounds bad, but i think there are so many things that are so beyond us.
and the Bible only tells us of our existence. maybe there was an earth before this one.
maybe there will be one after this. i always hear about the Rapture and i believe it, but then i wonder, after it's all over, "then what?".
maybe there's different universes or realms or realities, co-existing with ours, and they have their own Bible, telling them of their existence. and maybe Jesus went there too and died for their sins too. and maybe their brains were created different and they developed in entirely different ways that we can't even comprehend, just as they can't comprehend our 3Gs and ever changing technology. maybe they can use magic and talk to animals. and i bet you think i just have a huge imagination. but maybe these things only exist in our imaginations because we are, on some cosmic level, connected to those other beings, in ways we may never notice, or that we pass off as dreams.
and maybe when we die, we do go to heaven and hell. and we wait.
wait to be put into a new body and live a new live on a new Earth or realm.
i wonder how many times i've lived before.
none of that explains the purpose of being human to begin with so it was just pointless ramblings.
but still, i wonder.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

free footed author of all

[just a story that's been stuck in my head. this is just a really bad introduction. i am not good at writing prose. i am anxious to get to any part involving dialogue. i am terrible at it and it frightens me! [i know sometimes it's in past tense and others in present but i'm too lazy to fix it at the moment, plus, i can't decide.]

Monte didn't love Tessla Azul because she was extremely beautiful. She had plain brown hair, freckles despite her tanned skin, and had a lopsided grin. He didn't love her because she was extremely smart or exceptionally talented. Except writing, she was a world acclaimed author. According to Tessla, she had written every book and piece of literature ever known to man. This was due to the fact that she would simply scratch out any author's name and replace it with her's. She had a problem reading anything she didn't write herself.
That was one reason Monte loved Tessla. She made absolutely no sense all the time which just made so much sense to him. She never wore shoes. Not even to school. Her mother had to ask the principal for a special exception. Not that it mattered, Tessla would have gone barefoot with or without any special exception. "Our feet are our soles, Monte. And they are also our souls.", she would say, giggling at her own joke. It didn't make sense to Monte, but it didn't not make sense either.
That's what was so great about Tessla, He thought a lot about her but he never knew what to think. Sometimes he thought about what forever would be like with Tessla, what kind of mother she would be. But he knew they were not soul mates. No one would ever be Tessla's soul mate. Because her spirit was far to massive to fit inside the arms of any man [or woman, Tessla didn't judge those kind of things.]
But her body fit perfectly inside his arms as he sat behind her on the blanket they laid out by the river, watching the sun set. They did this every Friday, to celebrate the weekend. Every Sunday they would watch a zombie movie, to lament the start of the school week. Her hair always smelled like something different. Today it smelled like lavender and he was glad. Sometimes it smelled like things it shouldn't, like pickle juice or car oil.
Tessla Azul was by all definitions weird. And Monte Martin was not. He wrote bad poetry, collected stolen street signs, and wanted to be a weatherman. All his stolen streets signs were from Tessla. She liked to steal things. Not products in stores or people's personal items, just things, in public, that she thought were free enough. Monte had said that he felt bad for these items. They were free and could be themselves and not have to please anybody and she forced them into his possession against their will. So, to make up for it, she would set one item of her own free when she stole something. Monte didn't understand it, but he kind of did.
People did not get why Tessla and Monte were together. Tessla's parents were both writers and they thought Monte was a character and they seemed to think that everything Monte said was funny. Monte thought they were weird. Monte's mother was an elementary school teacher and his father was a photographer. Not the artistic kind that travels or works with models. He mostly did yearbook pictures and family portraits. Both his parents thought Tessla was sweet and interesting and a bit off.
Tessla and Monte had been together for 2 years, except for a three month period where Tessla was convinced that Monte was an alien. They were still friends though. She just had personal issues with dating an alien and asked if Monte could please not take offense. Monte didn't really get it at all. But he liked it.
One time they had sex. Spiritually it was magical, physically it was just okay. They both agreed it wasn't their forte and they should probably just leave it up to the professionals, but they were glad it happened. They didn't kiss much either, only when they were especially filled with love for each other at that moment. They didn't want the meanings of things to become obsolete or worn from use. They didn't say "I love you", but they said "I appreciate you." Monte got that.
They didn't talk a lot when they watched the sun set. Sometimes Monte would make up bad poems on the spot and whisper them in Tessla's ear. Sometimes she would spout off random "Tessla-isms", certain proverbs and facts of life she was prone to create. Monte kept a list of them. He didn't tell Tesla this. He didn't know if she would get it or appreciate it.
He didn't know how long she intended to grace him with her presence. She claimed forever, because he was good. But Tessla's forever and an average person's forever are a lot different. Monte was glad he got that, otherwise he would certainly be heartbroken when she leaves on some great adventure, free footed and filled with joyful memories. He often thought of what it would be like when she leaves. Will he still be happy when his life is significantly more mundane? Monte thinks he will be alright. He hoped she'd send him postcards.

Friday, February 19, 2010


Lately, I feel confused and defiant. And confused.
I know what I want to believe. I know what I want to feel.
But with so many beliefs in the world, is it right to just accept what you want and ignore everything else? Isn't that kind of like creating your own deity?
But as it stands, what I am being told is truth doesn't seem right to me.
So, I must either accept that it is truth and not care, accept that it is truth and not follow it, denounce it as false and believe what I believe to be right, or denounce it and denounce everything that is connected to it.
Thus, mass confusion ensues.
I have been praying for clarification and guidance and peace. But it just seems like a huge cycle of confusion and uncertainty. Maybe it's not even that big of an issue and I am blowing it way out proportion and making it impossible for me to wrap my own head around. I tend to do that.

I got my septum pierced. It hurt. My nose is still all swollen on the inside. But I like it. The piercing, not the swelling. Might put a picture in the next blog. I really like dreadlocks lately, if I could, I would get them. But I found lots of pretty dreadlock pictures on deviantart, a wondrous site!

Also, lately, I have been trying new things and I definitely feel like it is making me more confident in myself. I have been taking ukulele lessons and some aspects definitely take me out of my comfort zone and require me to do things I would not normally do. It's been an extremely fun and challenging experience. I've realized that that is what I really need, to challenge myself. When I don't, I feel lost and useless and sluggish. But I found this really neat ukulele on deviantart as well.

I also went to Zumba once and I definitely want to go again. Things that allow me to have fun, be active, and meet new people all at once are great! I am excited to keep going! I also just really love dancing! Haha. And after getting to know a certain photographer on deviantart a little bit better, I definitely feel inspired to follow photography as a hobby and might try using my friends as artistic models soon, even if I have a crappy point and shoot camera at the moment. Deviantart just makes me so inspired in general! Haha, it's a great sight! Oh, and some songs that inspire me recently are "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" by The Animals, "So Far From Your Weapon" by The Dead Weather, "I Just Haven't Met You Yet"by Michael Buble, and "Funeral" by Band of Horses. Sorry this was so long, I hope the one person that reads this has lots of time! Haha! God Bless!