Thursday, May 27, 2010

stop crying your heart out

I think Oasis knows what they are talking about.
Lately, all of my Zen has fallen out of my heart and blackness has taken it's spot.
I think I have seen enough of Norman, OK and these four walls I have been in all these years.
I am not complaining, it is poison.
Speaking of the phrase "stop crying your heart out", I am torn. Torn between the desire to live passionately, crying out in joy and love, in all senses "crying my heart out", being radical, being heard, being felt. Or being quiet and wise, like Asian monks, up in the mountains, who only speak when they have something entirely profound to say that they have been thinking on for days. Is the first option a choice of folly? But I feel like this world is so loud, you must be radical to be heard.
Or maybe it is silence that draws the most attention, because it is so rare.
I am torn between my heart being on fire and having a gentle spirit. I simply can not decide.
I think the only thing I can do is choose to be a woman of peace, trying constantly to do everything in love, renouncing hatred, doing everything in the name of my Creator, to be in His hands, and to spread hope to everyone I meet. I desire, more than money, more than acceptance, more than meeting Neil Gaiman, to be that person. I know I am so far off, I know I have let myself get so far off track, but I am not in despair. Not one being is too lost.
This summer, the desire to live outside has come to me, kind of out of nowhere. But it has crept in and is constantly gnawing at me. I fell as if my spirit in need of growth and these four walls are caging it in. I want to live on the bare essentials. I have never held society's ideals of going to college, getting a decent job, living well off, nice house, ect. ect. My dreams, my stories, my spirit, has never desired that lifestyle and I can no longer feel sorry about that. As much as I enjoy facebook and fine eating and cute clothes, I don' need them and they distract me from real living. Me, in my body, living, in THIS world, this Earth that was created for us, to experience the beauties and wonders of nature, to experience the phenomena of human nature, interacting with one another with compassion and joy, on a different level that the day to day meetings as we go to school, go to work, working to advance their own status in society. Maybe I won't make some magnificent difference in this world, but to touch people's live for even a second, to make people see hope, to make people believe there is something bigger than what they wrap themselves in, to do my part, however little, to make this world even a fragment brighter, that is all I can hope to accomplish. I have come across two people that inspire me greatly, and have set in my heart a new desire. Dashiel Alsup is walking from the Florida to the Canadian border, he is in association with an organization called Soles4Souls. His blog is located here: The other is Matt Green, walking from New York to Oregon. He does not have any record to break or any cause. He just likes to walk. His website is loated here:
Reading their blogs, I want to cry at their stories of their meetings, the kindness of strangers, getting to know the downtrodden and heartbroken, and these same people still willing to help them out, even when they have nothing. It's extraordinary. I want to walk. I know that I couldn't do it alone. I would need a male companion. And I think who that happens to be is a really important factor and I am not certain I have meet them yet. So I am waiting and praying.
I want to sleep in sleeping bags, experience the short exchange between strangers that can last only minutes but can have a lifetime affect, that can light a spark and shed some light in the darkness. I want to experience having nothing, being looked down upon but never losing hope, never losing faith. I want to experience a world outside the one that society seems Hell bent on placing me in. Living in a treehouse/tent for now, is a small step. I am praying for strength to give things up, to be courageous, to not live in fear, to have the words to say what needs to be said, to repel the darkness and hate that can easily seep into my veins, to always keep my eyes and heart on my Creator, to know my purpose, my origin, my meaning. It is not always about the comfort that comes with a personal relationship with Him, more growth comes from the discomfort in the servitude of Him.