Thursday, December 16, 2010

i would buy myself a grey quitar and play

I am listening to Counting Crows right now.
I will alwayssss love them!
I never really have an urge to listen to them all the time, and can go months without listening to them.
But it always seems that they re-enter my life exactly when I need them most.
I will never forget the first time I really heard them.
In acting class, when my first HUGE crush lip synced "Mr. Jones" for music day.
And that was what, 7 years ago?
Wheeeeeew. Craziness.
It's really, really odd to think about how far I have come in life. The insane ups and downs that only I know of, the drama with friends, the ones that left and the amazing ones that had hearts big enough to love me no matter what, the hearts I've broken, the heartbreak I've been through, the self-searching, my reliance on others, my years of feeling lost, numb, extremely confused. I hate how complex I am, how I never seem to know what I want, that I don't get things right away, that I don't have things all figured out...actually no. Scratch that.
I really, really love who I am. I am very confused and have exceptionally little figured out, but I am very happy. Probably more happy than a lot of people that have so much figured out. Not all who wander are lost. I definitely don't feel lost anymore. I don't feel like I am living in the shadow of others, I feel like a real and actual person. And maybe not one other soul around me will notice me, or my worth, but for some reason, I know it doesn't matter. I just know that I feel such passion for life, for existing, for love, that nothing and no one can damper it. And everyday, I struggle to see the light and not feel numb, everyday it's a battle. And it's not always easy. But at least I have the ability to fight. And that in itself is a beautiful thing.
Anyways, not a whole lot is going on with me lately, working and hanging out with friends, nothing too out of the ordinary. I am pretty content with being pretty boring, actually. I am preferring the quiet in life right now.
I usually include pictures but I am feeling kinda lazy tonight. Soooo sorry, maybe in the next post.....two months from now? Haha!