Thursday, July 31, 2014

What If?

What if I didn't think about it so much?
What if I didn't worry? 
What if I found the fun again? 
the joy?

What if I came into it with a childlike presence? 
What if I sang at the top of my lungs? 
What if I let myself go? 
What if I lost myself in it?
What if I felt more than I thought?

What if I let the bliss of the colors and motions overcome me?
What if I didn't think about the internet or sharing or comparing? 
What if I didn't think about the long run?
the followers?
or about how it all looks from the outside? 

I'm having fun with the "what if" lately.


Friday, July 25, 2014

For Starting Again's Sake

I wish I could say some magical bolt of inspiration lightning has inspired this post. 
Or even that I had lots of art to share. (I have a little bit, but I've been thinking it's not the best to hide behind WIP posts forever.) 

Honestly, I feel as I've kind of lost myself the past few months. 
I certainly have not been living my word of the year. 
("Become", for those that don't know.) 

I've been floating. 
Which is actually quite unlike me, because that was a quality I possessed in the four year period in which I was emotionally ill. 
So, usually, when it tries to pop in these days, I kick it in the face.

But it was quite stealthy this time around and so I have just been floating. 
Going to work, coming home to non-productive activities, not making things priorities that really should be.

I read this post by a friend of mine who is an exuberant and all around inspirational human(?).
In the post, he is struggling with one of the ideal moments of his career coming to fruition and his seemingly odd instinct to not act, to hesitate.

And that really resonated with me. I am going through something quite similar.
(Though not quite on such an epic scale as E3!)
I have been given the opportunity to make art for my friend's band.
And this is a huge deal for me, it feels very good.
It feels great that someone saw my art and connected with it and felt that it expressed something they wanted to share with their listeners.
That's a very powerful opportunity!   
But I feel like, faced with this wondrous chance to step up to the artist plate,
I feel myself hesitate, I clam up.

And it's odd. Because while I consider myself an artist, I do NOT consider myself a "professional artist".
I am reserving that title for when I am selling art, or making art for people, or teaching courses and workshops.
And so, this exact chance is something that would bring be closer to my ideal career.
And yet, I falter.
I doodle somewhat and create concepts.
But I actually haven't been focusing on it with full force, majestic happy joy manic energy.

And well, that's odd, isn't it?
I know it has something to do with confidence and ideas or worth.
And also, the fear of just failing, of rejection.
Art is personal. It's a deep, raw representation of my essence and experiences splayed on a canvas with colored paints and crazy paper.

But really though, I'm just dragging my feet.
Greatness and goals and dreams are in sight before me and I am dragging my feet.

Humans sure are an odd bunch.

But, I'm somewhat on a path in getting my act together, right?
Being self aware and acknowledging my position and my tendencies, well, that's a start.
And so, (to bring this full circle to the beginning of the blog) it does come down to what I am prioritizing in my life. What I am choosing to spend time and energy on.
Self-discipline is not always my strong point but it is necessary for growth, especially for growing in incredible ways toward my actual own ideals that I oddly block myself from.

So, there is not a true strong motivational point to this post here, for which I apologize.
It's just me sharing a creative struggle and a declaration of me getting back into focus.
One thing I love about these online communities is the aspect of accountability.
It's nice to put something like this out there in the inter-world-web and have people ask me
"Hey, so, have you been making time to make art?"
You all keep me in line and I appreciate that immensely!

I hope you are all well and making your dreams come true every day!

(You'll be hearing from me more often.)