Tuesday, November 24, 2009

my hands are weaker than myself

it was so softly that i stepped into the night
knowing that the bitter air would settle in my lungs
and push out all the feelings
but for now it's all so casual,
just walking a musical walk
with hope still left in my heart.
my music is so gentle
as to not upset this fragile thing
still beating inside me
your minutes flee
i am still
for just a moment
it is overbearingly beautiful
to just be still
even with the cold air pressing in
getting closer
to letting everything go numb
a sidewalk with so much potential
if he would only walk this way
just walk this way
and be everything i've waited for
make it worth it
but i'm now so cold
the most beautiful harsh coldness
that i have ever experienced
caught within
oh, it fills me up
and surrounds me
and these bones inspire poetry
and i could float in this forever
but my hands are screaming
against the night air
to just release the pressure
just let up a bit
let a little warmth in
why are you so weak?!
why not let me linger
onto the little hope i have
as soon as my feet start moving
this feeling falls away
but you make the decision for me
as you are passing by
you do not see me
.....you do not see me
i should have screamed it
i should have let you see
the frenzy you've created
and what i've done for you
what i'd feel to be in your path
but you always thought i was so warm
and i've ruined that
my hands are screaming
release this pressure
as you turn away,
without the knowledge of my presence
my obvious presence
that screams against this cold cage
i could have walked miles
it felt that long
it felt like forever
that my legs were moving
but i couldn't even feel them
i didn't know i was capable
to move my legs in a direction opposite of you
how can you mean this much?
how can you be so bold?
my hands are screaming
i keep them in their fists
cause i know it will hurt more
when i unfold them
and i'm looking forward to it.
who could love this cold thing?
how would want to hold my freezing form?
the pool is reflected in my eyes
and in everything i could have dreamed of
the desire to just jump in is the strongest i have known
maybe i will float forever
i don't want to drown
i want to freeze to death
i want the waters to surround my frozen spirit
i want to feel that free for that little bit of time
but my hands are weaker than myself
and instead i return to the door
that brings me back to this senseless existence
a conundrum of repetition
and ever passing days
it's still so dark, still so early
and it's warm
i guess i should be glad
but the warmth that's penetrating
and pushing out the numb
is pushing out the hope for something better
all energy has fled my body
left motionless, silently protesting
the warmth settling into me
but my spirit doesn't settle here
purged by the exact musical moment
begins the symphony of letting go
and letting these tears fall
and not even sitting is good enough
the air is far too dense
with the glory of a Higher Being
the floor is where my body settles
my eyes can not be lifted up
and my body can not resist this gravity
my hands are weaker than myself
but they know so much more than me.