Face Full of Truth

I am a dreamer. I can not help it! I always have been and I probably always will. I dream of a minimalist life, living outside society's norms, living outside consumerism, hurting the earth as little as possible and hopefully healing more than I hurt. And I have made steps along this peaceful path. But I mostly cling to dreaming of a future in which I practice all these things and live happily in some quiet cottage, surrounded by forest and a babbling brook, or what have you. But the truth is, that is not going to happen tomorrow, or in the next year, and depending on where this path of life takes me, I may not ever get there. I am not living out my own beliefs and ideals because I am waiting for some picture perfect life to fall into my lap first. But really, my life is crazy, chaotic and not calming down anytime soon. I work a physically demanding job, I am moving back to my home state in 11 days, I am currently living with 7 people in a four bedroom house, and mostly, my mind is racing. All.the.time.

So, because my life is an unpredictable chaos ball, I don't have time to waste on waiting. I need to start practicing my ideals now. I need to get rid of all these excess possessions, I need to make my own soaps and remedy products as opposed to buying chemicals and supporting the corrupt medical system. I need to buy healthy, local, and organic foods. I need to stop giving money to companies whose values and actions I do not support at all. I need to stop eating meat. Seriously. I need to do work that is meaningful to me, that I am passionate about. I need to let go of my little comforts and really practice what I know to be true for my life. I need to stop the little voice that says "Well, you are way better than 99% of America, you don't own a huge t.v. or a snazzy car, you meditate and focus on positive energy, you are patient and compassionate and you write poetry and all that cool stuff."

I am never going to heal this Earth by dreaming, or wishing, or waiting around, or feeling high and mighty at accomplishing the bare minimum. I am never going to create the life I wish for all beings if I do not create it for myself first. I can not heal another spirit until I have sucked society's poison of comfort and complacency from my own veins.

I need to get radical. I need to get weird. I need to get extreme. People will get annoyed, people will get weirded out, and people will get a face full of truth.

But I need a face full of truth first. And instead of just dreaming for it, I am going to run towards it, noodling arming it and screaming like a banshee from yell. I'm not quite sure why, but it feel really right.

some new poems

"an empty house"

stretched upwards down and falling fast,

spiraled wrought in eternal light

her bones are only used for dust these days

dust upon the books, upon the rickety chair

held solid by long closed eyes,

washed away from wooden floors by late summer rains,

rinsing ripples on stain glass windows

of once upon a time,

for crying out loud to whisper softly in the spider's ear

what designs to falter into splendor

crisscrossing lights, bending morning dew into fragments

of filtered possibilities 

the quiet of the uncanny house settled deeply on the southern soil

creeping forth the wicked green of winding vines

valiantly raising their existence

with breath broken into vapor

resting on your lips, held limp

in your ragged hands

curtains hung stagnant in forgotten breezes 

of broken lullabies, stuttered goodbyes

and the fading dusk of leaving shadows on your desk. 

"a cold hallway"

unpaled by retracting footfalls 

who spoke you so silently to make you shake so deep?

shedding paper thing hymns from your feet, 

washed clean as freshly fallen snow

catching on your eye lashes,

mounting cities out of frozen flakes,

beckoning out icy awes of reverence

for the defeat of ancient skies 

from whence the words once came

aching smoke to just be still awhile, 

for our skin to settle down

with all our thrashing around

to forget that we're still sinking in the earth's deep black

reserved for beings to disappear to their own liking

so swiftly that the space they once inhabited 

never seemed that empty at all

or so hauntingly slow that their breath

lingers at the edge of our ears,

their footsteps still fall with some folly

on the persistent cold of the hallway's wooden quiet.

"a rainy graveyard"

 

damp wild, trodden and soggy 

from the sky's fallen grace

but keep up the pace, 

i'm trying to say something here.

peachy florals rising to the surface of your skin

to brush the steely coolness of the passing gun

to pass the time

to pass the vibrations of your rhyme 

played out by bony fingers

ringing out bells for every lost

buried deep, but not deep enough

to keep the rain from washing the worms away

from wasting flesh and worn out wanderings

amongst these burial grounds, 

collecting dharma in leaflet pages

spread out across your southern sky, 

to realize the whole of nature, 

the throbbing of reality, 

thunderous and utterly alone

spoken suddenly to the edges of what our eyes fathom, 

no less than yesterday.

Hungry Ghosts

      In the Buddhist tradition, a Hungry Ghost is a ghost with a massive belly but an unbearable small throat. Hungry Ghost want to eat to fill the hunger of their monstrous bellies but their throats are so small that enough food never goes through. So, they are constantly hungry, constantly seeking to fill the void that is their stomachs, but they never do get enough.

   

In case you haven’t cottoned on quite yet, this is a pretty precise parallel to us, the human race.

Especially in our “see it, need it now” society, in which we are always looking outside our lives and saying “That over there, if I have that, I would be happy.”, “Once I have enough money to do this, I will be happy.”, “If I lived there, I’d be happy.”

   

    We hardly ever focus on the moment of our lives in which we are currently residing. We hardly ever look around us and appreciate the copious amounts of blessings that are poured on us daily. We hardly ever look around us and appreciate the people in our lives for who they truly are instead of whom we expect them to be, or appreciate the trees in our yard, the sky above our heads, the food we eat, our ability to keep breathing from moment to moment, our ability to think and to feel, and we almost NEVER appreciate ourselves.

    The monster that is consumerism is constantly whispering in our ear, saying ‘You are not complete, you are not enough.” They do this so that we will buy more things, to fill our hungry void. Because we look around at our possessions and we believe they define us, we believe that these things are truly ours, that because we have them, our life is improved, that WE are improved.

       

       Realize your hungering, your desires to add more and more to your life as an attempt to BE more. And before you act on these hungerings, stop. 

Breathe. 

Look around you. Look at how the sunlight hits the artwork in your living room, look at how the wind lightly rustles the trees in your yard. Look at the people around you, look at how they smile, how they laugh, their little quirks that make them so uniquely them, and realize your unconditional love for them without expecting them to be a certain way. Look at yourself, look at each part of your body and realizing all the things those body parts allow you to do, realize that this beautiful body is a vessel for your soul, that it doesn’t need to be ten pounds lighter to serve you well, it is doing a damn great job as it is, and how it looks rarely corresponds to how well it does its job. Look at your spirit, your true self, realize your brilliant attributes, realize your many talents, realize your patience, or your inherent generosity, or your artistic ability. Realize that you have all of these things in rich abundance. 

             

             You are not in need. Feel how full your life is, savor the richness of your being. Then feel that hungering void fade away. Because you don’t need that purse to be the caring person you are, you don’t need to move to find meaning or substance, you don’t need the newest Apple product to be a beautiful being, you don’t need those shoes to enjoy spending time with your friends, to enjoy a thunderstorm, to enjoy being able to exist, to revel in the brilliance of this human experience.

      You have all you need, your throat is reasonably sized as well as your stomach. You don’t not need to add and consume more and more. You need to take away. You need to remove all the insubstantial things that block the spring of wellness and joy in your life. You need to give up t.v. time and enjoy your children’s playful presence. You need to give up spending $50 on a night out drinking, and enjoy the movements of your body as it dances the night away. You need to give up shopping sprees and enjoy a cup of tea, good music, a walk in the park, a craft brunch with friends.

 
                  You don’t have to be a hungry ghost. You don’t have a void to fill, so when you add, add, add and consume, consume, consume, you just end up drowning and suffocating in a sea of things, a sea of hunger, a sea of never being satisfied; a tide so high that you cannot see the vibrant sky, the openness of being open to all things, of accepting all things, or appreciating all things; the peace of being entirely full on what you already have.

Spring Time!

I have been regretfully without internet for some time. I am typing this in a bagel shop! I have recently had a shift in spiritual consciousness and am expanding on so many ideas and experiences. But this blog isn't about that. I may post a nice long elaborate blog about it all someday. But right now, it's just sprouting, not yet a fully bloomed flower. But I didn't want to leave you guys high and dry for too long, so here are some pictures of spring delightfulness!

 A pendant I made!

 Enjoying Sutton Park!

 The softest grass ever!

I hope you all are doing lovely and enjoying the beautiful spring weather!

The Human Experience

Something I wrote in my notebook. I think a lot about what I call "The Human Experience" and all it's wonders.

"All of these people look like they take their lives so seriously; their jobs, their relationships, their appearance, how they are perceived by others. I hope to never take myself so seriously. Actually, I make it a goal to not take my life so seriously. Why do we act like everything is peachy and sparkly? (Granted, at times, it certainly can be!) The human experience is dark and dirty, painful and yet unceasingly magical and brilliant. But the pain, the shadows, the sweat of the dark pits; that is part of the beauty, and it's worth acknowledging.

I don't want to take my job seriously, it does not define my spirit. What my coworkers or managers think of me does not create me. I don't want to take my relationships seriously. We are human, infinitely flawed. Why harbor deep anger when someone messes up? The anger hurts us more than it hurts them. Troubles are not the end of friendships, and laughter is always appropriate, even in the darkest of times. I don't want to take my appearance seriously. I am a mess eighty percent of the time. I am chubby (I like to call it soft, personally.), my teeth are not perfect, my skin is all kinds of weird; but why should I care? I don't look like Kate Moenning and I never will. But eighty percent of the time, I feel as bad ass as Kate Moenning. And that is a much greater feat, in my opinion. I never want to take how people perceive me seriously. People could know me for 20 years and still only know the smallest part of me. Such an immense portion of human interaction is shallow, skin deep, the tip of the iceberg. Why should I care what others think of me when they don't even know me? I am weird, I think weird and dark thing, I screw up, I say the wrong things at the wrong time, I hurt people, I can be closed off, I am confusing, I am definitely confused. I feel dark and weird things, I am a mess, I am a wreck of passions, desires, love, hurt, pain, fears, magic, dreams, kindness, ignorance, intelligence, and so many feelings that I don't believe most of them have names.

And I don't take any of that too seriously. It's just me, my human experience. It ebbs and flows as I continue breathing. I don't hide it, I don't try to change it. I just be it, as freely as I can. I experience until I don't anymore. I think being serious and safe so we can reach death emotionally and mentally whole, in tact, never experiencing anything scary or damaging, is a great disservice to our human experience. I would much rather arrive at the end covered in mud, blood, and sweat, out of breath, emotionally torn to shreds, facing every imaginable fear face on, sword in hand. THAT is the human experience. It is real, raw, and terrifying. It's not houses, it's not stable income or stable emotions, it's not Hollywood, or Hollywood perfect romances. It's the fight, the grit, the dark, the abyss within us that we fear to enter because it houses the swirling chaos of human experience.

And it's beautiful, bright, and brilliant. And it's happening, right now. It's the swelling music, the caress of the wind, the salt of the sea, the howl of the wolf, the pang of lingering memories, the soaring feeling in a great kiss, the dark hours where our demons reside, the smile of our most beloved. We can hide from it, we can ignore it. But it is us and we are it. And that is worth acknowledging, accepting, appreciating, and admiring.

Welcome to the human experience. Are you afraid? You definitely should be. And then you should punch that fear in the face. "

the haze that comes in waves

trampoline white,
as stark as a flower in the falling rain,
following the dusty storm,
lightness cloud and mist in the mirror,
skin meeting water, fullest of forgotten being,
no feeling of whereabouts within,
moments shuddering in waves of gone and not really there but looking around,
blinking, no sleeping, waking in the waves of sound,
lapping waves of music surrounds, pressing upon my being,
it's getting less, i've been duped,
surrounded by the smoke, lost within the lasers of lights,
pressed between the wall and your hips moving against mine,
never what i expected it to be,
losing myself in the hold your lips have on me,
sweet voice, sweet name, sweet returnings to reality,
new beginnings, lack of sleep to carry me onward,
for stepping on the glass,
why is writing more important than spelling when i know it's happening,
it feels less over time, over lapping words sprung from some spring
of my eye always hurting,
in the desert, please read my words,
in response, so it's not for naught,
to stand on the edge of the ledge and not feel fear anymore,
sailing over lungs in knots we tie together,
gypsy vapors, swim within me, my mind at ease, at her leisure,
in forgotten mason jars, thoughts in ebb and flow,
areas of stone beneath my feet against the wind,
at the window sits a crow beneath the scattering colors of the sky,
silence bears the grey morning,
the haze is fading, growing brighter in my mind to such disappointment,
waterfalls of twinkling sunshine stars,
ringing out bells of the death, wandering about town,
so as to say, not existing.
i hope i make it, i wonder how to act within myself,
to win the lady's heart,
the altogether soft under the boyish veil,
if she discovers with her limbs,
i could relax a thing or two,
the rising of tensions against the skin and radiating, warming,
escaping, little moans, what is heard besides your breath in the night,
little death,
bright and cold as the moon shining the way,
casting light out loud, things whispered, to be complete,
rising higher on some secret spectrum,
i can move more easily and think the clearest thoughts
before the haze carries me to settled sleep within myself.

"..for Quickbeam often laughed. He laughed if the sun came out from behind a cloud, he laughed if they came upon a stream or a spring: then he stooped and splashed his feet and head with water; he laughed sometimes at some sound or whisper in the trees."- "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" by J.R. Tolkien.

I read this and instantly jotted down the words so I could remember them! Quickbeam is an Ent, and for those that are not down with the LOTR universe, Ents are tree-like creatures that look after the trees! They are one of my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings; they are old, wise, they think a long time before acting or speaking, and they care deeply for the earth. And Quickbeam reminds me a lot of the person I try to be! I don't always make it, and a lot of times I just get caught up in my own troubles and worries that I don't take time to notice anything around me. But I do try to notice the little things and to appreciate them. I enjoy watching a dog play in the snow, or appreciating the form of a pretty rock, or looking up to see the stars instead of focusing on getting to where I am going. Because, really, it's the going that really matters, not the arrival. I think the world would be a much happier, brighter place if we could all appreciate the small things around us. If we could laugh at the sun warming our skin and the stream bubbling along merrily, or the sound of the wind, or the bark on the trees, or the falling of snow. Even for a few minutes, if we could step outside our troubles and worries about bills or work or chores or errands or the future or the past or our weight or our fears or our social anxiety or our relationship problems. If we could just let it go for a moment, and just get lost in a snowflake, or a bee collecting pollen, or the notes of a song, or the sound of pen against paper, or the strokes of colors in a painting; if we can get lost in the beauty of things, for just a moment, I think we could form the habit of always finding something to laugh about, to appreciate, even in the darkest of times. It's certainly worth a try! Even keeping a little notebook and pen and writing down all the things that you notice throughout the day that make your heart a little lighter. I think when we return to our worries and troubles, they will feel slightly lighter and seem a little smaller. I hope you all find bountiful things to laugh at and appreciate in the coming days! I hope we can laugh at the streams of goodness in our lives and splash around in them with reckless abandon and joy, without fear or judgement! These moments will strengthen us anew with hope, so that we can make the world around us even brighter! So, I guess to sum it all up, cherish these moments, let yourself experience true joy; because the world needs you at your most bright and brilliant! And you wouldn't want to let the WORLD down, would you? Hmmmmmm?!