Sunday, August 29, 2010

random thoughts

I just felt like writing a blog.
I don't have anything of importance to say.
But I am at work and extremely bored and someday I can look back and know what I was thinking at this exact moment in my life, no matter how mundane.
So that is neat.
I think I am moving into a tent this Tuesday-ish. In Elvis's backyard. I don't really feel excited, I am worried about rides to work. It is mostly for saving money and doesn't really feel like an adventure but maybe it will be!
I am ready for some spiritual growth, I just need to allow myself to let it happen.
I am always closing myself off to it, I don't know why. And I don't feel like thinking that much to dig deep and find the reason why.
Less thinking and more doing, if I know what I need to do to make existence make sense.
And my existencing is fighting against it, and I guess that is life. And it's all alright.
I like condradictions.
I pretty much have a general plan.
It goes something like this: live in a tent, work at Courtyard, save monies, visit Jill in Korea, stop living in a tent because it will probably be too cold, attempt to save money whilst living at home [we will see], get license/a car, save up more money, move to Boulder, possible work for a Marriot there, find a cheap place to live, go to school for massage therapy, take national exam, figure out where I want to go from there.
But I'm not holding tight to anything, life is ever changing. Who knows when I might have some exceptional experience that makes me want to go down an entirely different path.
Speaking of exceptional experiences, I am really jazzed to see 30 Seconds To Mars.
I have always kind of listened to them, but it is only in the last month that their music has become part of my life.
I have a feeling it is going to be a really incredible, intense experience.
I still don't know if I believe in romantic love or if I, personally, hold the ability to make it exist.
If I didn't, I wouldn't be sad, I just don't know if I do, so it makes things difficult.
But I did a lot of thinking the other day, about past relationships and many guys come and gone, the things I enjoyed, the things that destroyed me, bored me, and annoyed me. And mostly, I just want someone who inspires me. In every way. Someone who interests me and keeps me interested, keeps me excited about life and new experiences and learning, and inspires me to be the best kind of me I can be, not for their approval, but because they make it so enjoyable, having them there for the ride. And someone that finds me interesting, I think that is the hardest part. This is absolute babble.
Well, I know I haven't experienced anything like that yet. I know I mostly feel like I don't have much to offer, nothing exciting, nothing that different from anyone else in the world. And there are a lot of girls in the world.
I mostly feel like a duller shade of the exciting people that I know.
And it isn't a top priority. I just know that part is really important to me, the inspiring thing, if that romance thing ever presents itself. But I definitely agree with the love is friendship set on fire then. So I am definitely not stressed about it.
I am pretty content by myself and actually prefer right now.
I think that is another thing, I am selfish. I can not imagine having to give my life to another person, intertwining everything together, losing me. And having to care for another person, having to worry for another person, having to care about what another person is feeling, thinking, feels toward you, ugh. It's all so complicated. And it seems so tiresome. And all of that, for the rest of your life. But not just your life, your life TOGETHER. You don't have YOUR life anymore. AH! I don't know.
I don't know why I bother to think about it, it just stirs up a whirlwind of confusion in my mind and heart.
Anyways, I am going to stop this blog now. Sorry if you read this, it's all babbleness. And lots of it.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

enough writing

haha. so much for that once a week blogging ideal, eh?
that was, for lack of a better phrase, and epic fail.
but that's quite okay. it's all okay.
because i am still me, in my reality, in the universe, with my Creator at my side.
and i am existing.and i still feel like a lot of times, i am wasting such existence.
i always write about these ideals, these plans. but mostly just fall in the cracks or my own chaos.
daily life is tiresome, i just need to find a joy in every moment, and i am trying.
and trying, the struggle, makes me feel very alive. and to feel like you are fighting for something, to feel alive, is such an awakening and satisfying feeling.
and to exist in all of this whilst be surrounded by the Creator's splendor, the same Creator that created you, you just feel connect and beautiful and like your existence, if even to yourself, is special. i don't really know what i am babbling about. my pores just pour out positivity and possibility.
in reflection of my last post, goals are good. but really, i am bad at them. or time limits, i think.
i just have this feeling of ease inside me, that everything i need to experience will happen, in it's own time.
but i am existing with the concieved notion that i will live a long life. and i pray that i do.
here i am, being attached to being human again, but really, i think on my life, and i see myself in older years, experiencing great things, living fully until 90 or so. i know it's wrong, but if it's cut short, i will feel my life as incomplete, even though i'm sure feelings of bitterness and discontent won't exist when i die.
so, i really should be doing things i enjoy as often as possible, and work towards living a life i desire now, since it may be over before i wish it to be. but at the same time, be at peace with the things that may not be experienced, and not stress over them, or feel loss, like a life less lived. and just live with ease, creating a life i enjoy, but at my own pace. i guess, i just don't want any moment to be some boring prologue to a "real" moment in my life, you know?
wow. i really am not certain that made any sense. i didn't mean to write all that, really. but i feel i needed to say it, i think. i definitely don't feel like deleting it. maybe it will make sense to me sometime in the future, and it means something know. mostly just my chaos reality written out.
i meant to just write a small thing about my life list. things i want to experience before i die.
here are a few:
see the aurora borealis
live on a boat
walk across the u.s.
visit japan, egypt, ireland, new zealand, many others
learn to surf and snowboard
start a tent village
write many books!
fly on a plane
take a train somewhere
bungee jump
live in a tree in the woods
make a documentary
make a movie in general/be in a movie
learn to play the melodica, the harmonica, guitar, and probably more weird, world instruments
play a show with or in a band
go skinny dipping
and more. much more. but there, that is some of them.
and i guess the point is, i keep viewing my life in the future. like "once i go to school and get a real job, THEN i can do this." or "once i've experience more or learned all about how to do this certain thing, THEN i'll do it."
and it's just a cage i build on my own existence. and certainly, i am comfortable in my own existence.
but i am wasting it. and it's wasting me. so let's pray, everyone pray, that i take each moment as a chance to enjoy existing and to stop wasting time and energy on comfort, when there is so much experience. and reletively so little time to experience it.