Sunday, December 13, 2009

don't drop your arms

This has been a difficult fall and winter,
with an unexplainable event and many unexplainable departures from my life, I've been left feeling numb, lost, confused, alone, worthless, invisible, and unloved.
I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live.
I settled for not feeling anything, not caring, not loving.
If I did something, it was without passion, I was going through the motions.
If i felt something, it was probably anger.
My body didn't feel right, it was in constant discomfort.
The feeling drove me to doing really bizarre things.
My spirit has been in disarray.
His presence was there, His breathing was vibrating the air around me.
but when I reached out, He was always just outside the brush of my fingertips.
Could never quite slip into the peace, the arms, the stillness,
where I desperately wanted to be.
I wrote a poem about what happened to me
and in it I said "Where is my God? Why can't He make me better?"
When I read that again, sometime later, the first answer I thought was
"Because I don't believe He can"
I was waiting for relieve that I didn't even believe would be delivered.
Once again, I was a walking contradiction.

It's still in process, I have a long path of healing in front of me.

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