Sunday, August 29, 2010

random thoughts

I just felt like writing a blog.
I don't have anything of importance to say.
But I am at work and extremely bored and someday I can look back and know what I was thinking at this exact moment in my life, no matter how mundane.
So that is neat.
I think I am moving into a tent this Tuesday-ish. In Elvis's backyard. I don't really feel excited, I am worried about rides to work. It is mostly for saving money and doesn't really feel like an adventure but maybe it will be!
I am ready for some spiritual growth, I just need to allow myself to let it happen.
I am always closing myself off to it, I don't know why. And I don't feel like thinking that much to dig deep and find the reason why.
Less thinking and more doing, if I know what I need to do to make existence make sense.
And my existencing is fighting against it, and I guess that is life. And it's all alright.
I like condradictions.
I pretty much have a general plan.
It goes something like this: live in a tent, work at Courtyard, save monies, visit Jill in Korea, stop living in a tent because it will probably be too cold, attempt to save money whilst living at home [we will see], get license/a car, save up more money, move to Boulder, possible work for a Marriot there, find a cheap place to live, go to school for massage therapy, take national exam, figure out where I want to go from there.
But I'm not holding tight to anything, life is ever changing. Who knows when I might have some exceptional experience that makes me want to go down an entirely different path.
Speaking of exceptional experiences, I am really jazzed to see 30 Seconds To Mars.
I have always kind of listened to them, but it is only in the last month that their music has become part of my life.
I have a feeling it is going to be a really incredible, intense experience.
I still don't know if I believe in romantic love or if I, personally, hold the ability to make it exist.
If I didn't, I wouldn't be sad, I just don't know if I do, so it makes things difficult.
But I did a lot of thinking the other day, about past relationships and many guys come and gone, the things I enjoyed, the things that destroyed me, bored me, and annoyed me. And mostly, I just want someone who inspires me. In every way. Someone who interests me and keeps me interested, keeps me excited about life and new experiences and learning, and inspires me to be the best kind of me I can be, not for their approval, but because they make it so enjoyable, having them there for the ride. And someone that finds me interesting, I think that is the hardest part. This is absolute babble.
Well, I know I haven't experienced anything like that yet. I know I mostly feel like I don't have much to offer, nothing exciting, nothing that different from anyone else in the world. And there are a lot of girls in the world.
I mostly feel like a duller shade of the exciting people that I know.
And it isn't a top priority. I just know that part is really important to me, the inspiring thing, if that romance thing ever presents itself. But I definitely agree with the love is friendship set on fire then. So I am definitely not stressed about it.
I am pretty content by myself and actually prefer right now.
I think that is another thing, I am selfish. I can not imagine having to give my life to another person, intertwining everything together, losing me. And having to care for another person, having to worry for another person, having to care about what another person is feeling, thinking, feels toward you, ugh. It's all so complicated. And it seems so tiresome. And all of that, for the rest of your life. But not just your life, your life TOGETHER. You don't have YOUR life anymore. AH! I don't know.
I don't know why I bother to think about it, it just stirs up a whirlwind of confusion in my mind and heart.
Anyways, I am going to stop this blog now. Sorry if you read this, it's all babbleness. And lots of it.

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