Tuesday, April 20, 2010

black abyss, basically

i hate not being motivated to do anything.
and for the past month, that is where i have been.
in the past, when i have these phases, i eventually get a burst of inspiration and get all energized and passionate again. thus far, this time, it had yet to happen.
and really, as i look back, i have been unmotivated my entire life.
i want to blame my parents. it would be so easy to be a victim of my upbringing.
sure, i'm learning new things [sometimes] and enjoying life with my loved ones.
but really, i'm not going anywhere. i really don't feel like i have gone anywhere my entire life.
maybe there has been a few inward changes, but really, on the big picture of life, i have experienced very little, and grown even less.
and maybe this is just a blog drowned in self pity. and yes, really, that is what it is.
because, really, i do not feel like my existence matters. if i ceased to exist, nothing would change, people would fill that empty space with one of the other 6 something billion other people in the world, loved ones would go on living their lives, because i don't feel like i have changed anything or anyone. i do not make a difference. i have no purpose.
it seems like we are losing the battle. and i feel so helpless, because what can i do?
what can i do?
there is a being called a Twilmish, they are little faerie beings that kinda just float around as energy, not existing, until a sandcastle is built for them to live in, then they pop into existence.
and that is what i feel like, i am just floating around, without meaning, without matter, not really existing, just waiting....for something...that i don't even know, just waiting to finally exist.
but really, i guess i just really doubt that i ever will. or i fear that i never will.
and maybe it's all my fault, yes, i think it is.
i didn't try enough, i don't know what i want, i am a walking contradiction, i am fickle and weak.
how could i matter? i don't even really matter to myself.
i wasn't motivated to go to school, to find myself [whatever that means], to love, to grow.
i'm not motivated to live my own life, a real life. [that is not saying i want to die, that is just saying that i could probably live in a dark room for the rest of my life.]
i don't make an impression in this world, how could i?
i am not strong minded, i am not out going, i am not exceptionally kind, talented, loving, passionate...i'm not exceptionally anything.
maybe that is wrong to think, like saying God didn't create me good enough. but maybe I could be good enough, but i'm not motivated to be. an so it makes no sense, i really want to be someone, to live a life, i yearn for it, i want it so bad, but at the same time, i am unmotivated to?
i don't get it. i don't really get anything anymore. because i don't know how. i don't know how to really live, i don't know how to care more, love more, matter more, feel more, BE more.
i am so lost.

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