Tuesday, May 13, 2014

What "Making It" Means

I want to share a very beautiful blog post by Numinous Jane about costumes. 

It's a short and sweet and powerful post. 
And it got me thinking on costumes I have been forcing myself in for years. 

And it grows tiresome. 
Because I am what I am now, but sometimes I put on different skins. 
Skins of the past, because they feel comfortable and keep me from trying when things are difficult.

They are an excuse. 

"I can't grow, I'm broken."
"I can't do that, I am a victim."
"I am in a shadow, my light can not shine."


I'm not that anymore. 
I will put on the costume of victim, damaged, emotional shattered, drowning in the dark sea.
And at one time, I was. It was bad. 
But I've come so far in my healing. 
Astronomical lengths, actually.

Looking at where I am now, compared to where I once was, I can't believe I made it here, this far. 
THIS is fucking making it. 
THIS is a success story. 
I'm alive.
I'm an artist, I am a light, I am waking up every day and trying and growing and existing. 
And appreciating it. 

I can get down about not having an art business or not being published. 
I can still let the past wounds come back to haunt me and make me feel like I'm not worthy or whole or bright or real. 
And when I let that past in or when I get down on myself for not being where I feel I should, 
those are costumes. 

I dance in my room and feel real joy through it, I cherish every interaction with my loved ones, I have a source and a release in art journaling, I have a voice and a truth. 

If I am living this truth everyday, if I am mindful and grateful and finding joy in being alive, then I am making it. 
It is the bare me, the gritty me, the un-costumed me.

The me I have created, the life I have created, the voice I have created; it's raw and awe-inspiring, even to me. 
Years ago, I never would have dreamt of being here now, being who I am, being happy and alive and joyous and bright. 

So this is very real to me. 
This is what "making it" looks like to me. 
And it's so fantastically, deeply, powerfully, achingly breathtaking that I could weep.

This is all the success I need. 
Obviously, I will keep working toward my passions and dreams. 
But at the end of the day, I am the best me I ever could have imagined being right now.
I exceeded my own expectations. 
I'm a fucking dream come true. 
And that's brilliant. 

That's all. 

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