Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I am 24.
I am back in Oklahoma! It still feels pretty weird! I miss Stargasm (my Colorado family) sooo much! I am 24 and starting a new chapter in my life. I am so insanely different from the person who left Oklahoma eight months ago. Back then I was filled with fear and self-doubt, leaning on friends, afraid to take a step forward in any direction. I felt invisible, insignificant, and forgettable. I was petty and self-centered. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I was any of those things, I was just running around in circles, flailing about but not accomplishing anything. The Truth sought me out in Colorado. I stopped flailing about and I sat still and breathed. And that's when the truth unfolded all around me. I breathed it in and we became the same vibrational energy. I learned some extravagant things about my Creator, the universe, my energy, my ego, my false self and my true self. Coming back to Oklahoma was a majorly scary step. Would I fall back on who I was before or would my true self expand in the land of my history? And thus far, I feel quite free from my past. I am standing firm in my breathing and not letting myself fall into people's preconceived notion of who I should be based on who I may have been in the past. I am humbled, I am patient, I am outside my own self, seeing and experiencing all things as they really are. I am accepting, dropping projections and expectations. I am throwing myself off the ledge into things that I fear, realizing that thinking about doing thing is by far more frightening than actually doing them. Some people may be disappointed in who I am, that I am not the Robyn they expect me to be. And that is very sad for them. But I can not allow it to instill a fear in me that paralyzes me from action, that causes me to clothe myself in a fake skin, to project an illusion that they desire. My energy is better spent loving without limits, healing whom I can, and experiencing this human existence with unbounding joy, laughing at the little things with a laughter that shakes my very bones. I'm a minimalist, anti-consumerist, feminist, anti-rape culture, liberal minded, thrift store addicted, lucy in the sky exploring, earth loving, energy harnessing, vagabonding, positive body image supporter, burlesque loving healer. Which is all, of course, the very tip of the iceberg of my being. But I am everything that I am, in constant forming and unforming, becoming and unbecoming, with an openness and acceptance of whatever "I" am at each unfolding moment. What a freedom to embrace!